President Bush Touched By An Uncle

In a tearful address to the American people Monday, President Bush announced that he would be taking an indefinite leave of office to recover from his recent molestation at the hands of his visiting uncle Carl.

"My fellow Americans," the president said during the nationally televised speech, "two weeks ago, my uncle Carl came to visit me and take a tour of the White House. And at one point during that tour, while we were alone in the Lincoln Bedroom, Uncle Carl did something to me that he said should be our little secret."

Bush said Uncle Carl "touched me in ways I knew were wrong," and that Carl instructed him "not to tell anyone, especially not Laura or the Secret Service," saying that it was a special thing between presidents and their uncles, something no one would understand."

The Secret Service has been working closely with Bush, using a special anatomically correct doll to determine exactly what transpired between him and Uncle Carl.

"At this point, it very much appears that there was fondling of the presidential genitalia," Secret Service agent Frank Simms said. "We are still having difficulty getting Mr. Bush to talk about certain details, which often happens when a member of the executive branch is molested by an uncle. The breach of trust is very difficult for any president to confront."

White House doctors have not yet released results of tests for anal trauma or semen in Bush's rectum.

Uncle Carl, who was arrested by FBI agents at his Falls Church, VA, home early Tuesday morning, has refused to speak to the press. He did, however, issue a statement through legal counsel saying, in part, that "this is just the kind of attention-getting lie I thought Georgie had outgrown."

"An accusatory stance is a typical response for the sexual predator," said Attorney General Mukasey, who urged the nation to stand by Bush in this "extremely difficult" time. "We must be very gentle with the president for as long as it takes him to come to terms with this. He's got to know it isn't his fault."

In the wake of the revelation, numerous White House staffers have expressed responsibility for the incident.

"I failed him," said Secretary of State Rice, who greeted Uncle Carl upon his arrival at the White House on Aug. 22. "I never should have left George alone with that man, no matter how big a boy he said he was."

"I just hope George doesn't hate me," said White House Chief of Staff Bolton. "I don't know why he didn't come and tell me about it in the first place. This is exactly the kind of thing I'm supposed to protect him from."

In a closed-door meeting Tuesday, a group of top-level Bush advisors told the president that he should never be afraid to tell a person to stop doing something he doesn't like, no matter who that person is. The advisors also told Bush that he should always run and tell a Cabinet member if someone is touching, threatening or scaring him.