True Story

I actually spoke in person to someone who drank off that Keg 2 years ago.....That is how I cam about this story, it is true, this is what happens when you drink 2 year old beer kept in a dark basement, warm, breeding tarantula babies.

This Guy PUKES SOOOO MUCH!!! Holy shit, vacuous stomach award goes to you my friend.

TOP 5 Movie Quotes

#2.5

Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay!!!!!

Top 5 Movie Quotes

#3

Top 5 Movie Quotes

#4

I wasn't sure if i was gonna include this, the violence makes it worthwhile, however the quote wasn't so good

Top 5 Movie Quotes

#5

President Bush Touched By An Uncle

In a tearful address to the American people Monday, President Bush announced that he would be taking an indefinite leave of office to recover from his recent molestation at the hands of his visiting uncle Carl.

"My fellow Americans," the president said during the nationally televised speech, "two weeks ago, my uncle Carl came to visit me and take a tour of the White House. And at one point during that tour, while we were alone in the Lincoln Bedroom, Uncle Carl did something to me that he said should be our little secret."

Bush said Uncle Carl "touched me in ways I knew were wrong," and that Carl instructed him "not to tell anyone, especially not Laura or the Secret Service," saying that it was a special thing between presidents and their uncles, something no one would understand."

The Secret Service has been working closely with Bush, using a special anatomically correct doll to determine exactly what transpired between him and Uncle Carl.

"At this point, it very much appears that there was fondling of the presidential genitalia," Secret Service agent Frank Simms said. "We are still having difficulty getting Mr. Bush to talk about certain details, which often happens when a member of the executive branch is molested by an uncle. The breach of trust is very difficult for any president to confront."

White House doctors have not yet released results of tests for anal trauma or semen in Bush's rectum.

Uncle Carl, who was arrested by FBI agents at his Falls Church, VA, home early Tuesday morning, has refused to speak to the press. He did, however, issue a statement through legal counsel saying, in part, that "this is just the kind of attention-getting lie I thought Georgie had outgrown."

"An accusatory stance is a typical response for the sexual predator," said Attorney General Mukasey, who urged the nation to stand by Bush in this "extremely difficult" time. "We must be very gentle with the president for as long as it takes him to come to terms with this. He's got to know it isn't his fault."

In the wake of the revelation, numerous White House staffers have expressed responsibility for the incident.

"I failed him," said Secretary of State Rice, who greeted Uncle Carl upon his arrival at the White House on Aug. 22. "I never should have left George alone with that man, no matter how big a boy he said he was."

"I just hope George doesn't hate me," said White House Chief of Staff Bolton. "I don't know why he didn't come and tell me about it in the first place. This is exactly the kind of thing I'm supposed to protect him from."

In a closed-door meeting Tuesday, a group of top-level Bush advisors told the president that he should never be afraid to tell a person to stop doing something he doesn't like, no matter who that person is. The advisors also told Bush that he should always run and tell a Cabinet member if someone is touching, threatening or scaring him.

ACLU To Defend Neo Nazi's

The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that the organization will go to court to defend the Neo Nazi's right to burn down their headquarters.  Said ACLU activist Sheryll Crane:

"If we take away these Nazi rights to burn down our headquarters, we take away everyones rights to burn down our headquarters."

Making the case more controversial is the Nazi's demands that all the ACLU employees be in the building at the time of the blaze

Country Mouse Raped By City Mouse

A country ouse accused a city mouse today of luring him away from his simple life with promises of wealth and excitement, and instead repeatedly drugging and raping him.  The city mouse had denied the charges saying the sex was a bit freaky, however totally consensual.  City mouse lawyer Leonard McChitter had this to say:

"Squeak, squeak, squeak, cheese, cheese squeak"

Police declined to file charges however as the only evidence, a tiny ball gag had rolled under a table.

Love It

This movie is great, it's called Ghost Dog, you should watch it.  

After I posted the clip I realized they left out the best part.  After dude gets murked, his homies find him and say, 

"Hey go outside and get Sammy The Snake!"

That's funny because they were makin fun of nicknames earlier in the scene, ha, funny. I know the humor is lost in the text, whatever.

Last Fry Told Off

Bucket Shop Cafe patron Glen Levvers, upon noticing that one french fry on his plate had eluded his field of vision, demanded that the fried potato strip,

 "get [its] ass over here." "Whoa, where do you think you're going, buddy? I see you hiding behind that pickle," said Trabers, who called the fry a "smart little fella" before picking it up and dunking it in ketchup. "Thought you could get away, eh? Well, time to say hello to Mr. Tummy." Trabers then popped the fry into his mouth, made a satisfied "gulp" noise, and went home and blew his brains out.

Death By iPhone

I have an iPhone. If I wanted to, I could be blogging this very post (or is it posting to this very blog?) with my iPhone, which means that the phrase "Sent from my iPhone" could be attached to bottom of my post, as it is with every e-mail I send from it. And those four words pack a lot of punch. More than once I've received this terse reply to an e-mail "sent from my iPhone": "I hate you."

I realize we iPhone users aren't a terribly sympathetic crowd. Neither was the guy who got the first wheel on his cave-block. There's always a trial period -- a few months, years, decades, millennia -- during which society irons out the kinks of any revolutionary tool. The goal is to minimize the invention's downsides while maximizing its upsides. And it's the technology's early users -- us brave guinea pigs -- who end up suffering for the greater good.

I know everyone says that Apple's latest invention is wonderful, revolutionary and life-changing. And for the most part, everyone's right. My iPhone entertains me when I'm bored. It organizes me when I'm scatterbrained. It loves me when I'm sad and lonely. It might as well cook me eggs and bacon the morning after.

But I know that all these wonderful upsides come at a steep price. For example: I am fairly certain that my iPhone will be the end of me. Achilles, the name I've given my device, will ultimately bring me down.

Let me explain:

When I first got my iPhone, I felt like the kid who walks in on the first day of second grade with the baddest trapper keeper. I knew I had the goods, and I expected the oohs and aahs to start as soon as I walked down the street with the device held to my ear.

But the oohs and aahs never came. In fact, there were only sneers. It's not that people don't think the iPhone is awesome. They know it is, but they also know that they don't have one. The desire can drive even the most even-tempered man insane. iPhone envy stokes our most atavistic urges: You have. I want.

So it's only a matter of time before someone snaps. A co-worker maybe, or a neighbor. They'll see me checking my e-mail as I cross the street, or hear my smooth jams as I'm running on the treadmill. They'll approach me from behind. They'll crouch. And in a few seconds, it will all be over.

But don't worry about me. I probably won't even realize what is happening. I'll be too busy checking my e-mail.

Profunctity

Christ Kills Two, Injures Seven

Jesus Christ, son of God and noted pro-life activist, killed two and critically wounded seven others when He opened fire in the waiting room of a Huntsville abortion clinic Tuesday

Security guards at the Women's Medical Clinic of Huntsville were able to disarm the Messiah before He could reload His weapon, a secondhand Glock 9mm pistol that authorities said He purchased legally at a Jackson, MS, sporting-goods store. "Abortion is a sin," said Christ as He was led away in handcuffs. "It is an abomination in the eyes of Me." Witnesses said the attack, which took the lives of Dr. Nelson Woodring, 51, and clinic nurse Danielle Costa, 29, came from "out of nowhere."

"He walked up to the admissions desk and asked if He could see Dr. Woodring," receptionist Iris Reid said. "The next thing I knew, He was shouting Biblical verses and opening fire on everything moving."

"It was horrible," said injured clinic nurse Jessica Combs, recovering at a local hospital with bullet wounds to the leg and abdomen. "He put his hands over Dr. Woodring's head and told him He forgave him for his sins, and then He shot him right in the face." Huntsville police officials are not certain how the Messiah was able to bypass clinic guards and proceed undetected past security cameras and into the clinic waiting room, where He produced the gun from its hiding place in the folds of His robe. Federal investigators are similarly baffled, saying that the heavily armed Christ had moved in "mysterious ways."

Speaking to reporters from His holding cell, Christ, 33, said He had "no regrets" about what He had done.

God Promises Big Suprise

Apparently God has some big plans for everybody.  A source close to God, who wishes to remain anonymous said:

"I can't be too specific about the details, mainly because the "Big Man" was pretty vague himself, all I know is something big is coming, I'm not sure when or where, but believe it's big."

God sent out a press release today fortelling upcoming hurricane season and the suprises within.

"As God enters His landmark 23,450,750th hurricane season, He finds Himself dealing with a larger and more diversified audience," the statement read in part. "With that in mind, He's promised that something new is 'in the wind' this year. Expect God to take the hurricane to places it's never been, bringing it to whole new audiences, making inroads further into the tornado-minded Gulf Coast states, and still delivering the goods to the hip, urban, coastal crowd that's traditionally so crazy about them."

New Legislature "Raymond's Law" Hits Marijuana Offenders

New Legislature is being brought before the House and Senate that would compel Offenders of the Marijuana Act to inform their neighbors if they are holding.  Senator Treadwell  D. Col. had this to say:

"This Law signifies a change in awareness for the nation, we really feel like we are taking a proactive approach in the effort to solve the problem.  Never before has it been so easy to find a bag of pot in your locality."

Although the legislature ensures easy procurement of marijuana, it does not regulate the quality or price.   On this Treadwell says:

This law arose from a case in CA, where James Newell of Pasadena was angered to find out the man living just one floor above him was dealing a Schedule one drug, Marijuana.  Newell was unavailable for comment but his law said this:

"Here was James, sitting in the dark the whole time, and now we know that the perpatrator could have invited him up at any time to smoke, it's sad really."

"Millions of Americans love to be high," Treadwell said. "Unfortunately, their neighbors often keep them in the dark about what kind of shit is going around."

Treadwell and other proponents of the Law argued that the bill would result in increased domestic trade in consumer snack products and a heightened sense of community and well-being.

More powerful, perhaps, were the personal testimonials of hundreds of drug-drought victims, who stood before lawmakers to share their experiences with dope deprivation.

"As a parent, I don't have a lot of time to dedicate to finding weed," Minneapolis resident Kyle Berman said. "All my wife and I wanted to be able to do was get Tina and Tyler to bed, put on a movie, and smoke a joint. It wasn't until the police busted the guy across the street for growing marijuana that we realized how close we'd come to actually finding some pot. A whole set-up with lamps and everything was less than 50 feet from our living room. It sickens me to think about it."

Bin Laden Claims Responsibility For Crocodile Hunter's Death

Millions worldwide were stunned by the death of Steve Irwin, TV's Crocodile Hunter, and were further shocked by the recent release of a videotaped message from Osama Bin Laden himself, in which the al-Qaeda leader takes responsibility for the Australian wildlife enthusiasts death.

"We have no compassion for those who exploit Allah's creation for their own gain and glory, and we will continue to strike with righteous barbs into the oppressors' hearts," bin Laden said. The videotape was released to the Australian Animal Planet channel on Sept. 9, five days after Irwin's death. "Praise be to Allah, who permitted the wronged to retaliate against the oppressor in kind!"

While Irwin's family has not commented on the statement, Australian Prime Minister John Howard denounced the act shortly after Irwin's funeral.

"Our nation has lost a wonderful man and a colorful native son," Howard told a grieving crowd of thousands in Sydney. "I urge President Bush to resume the hunt for this deranged madman bin Laden."

To prevent possible additional terrorist attacks on other daytime cable TV personalities, heavy security details have been placed around  the Food Network's Paula Deen, the American Chopper guys, and what not to wear's Stacy London.

Pakistani Government Institutes Minimum 3 Day Waiting Period On Suicide Vests.

The Pakistani Parliament took a leap of faith today as it sets into action a law which mandates a minimum 72 hour waiting period before anybody, man or woman, can buy a suicide vest.  Pakistani Lawmaker Aruzzi Sharriff held a press conference in the back of a Jeep today;

"We recently became aware that some, not all, of these suicide vest devices were falling into the wrong hands, and after years of careful deliberation, we decided to put restrictions on them."

This ruling immediately came under scrutiny from local arms dealers.  Rami Kuza, a local arms dealer in Pakistan was obviously upset. 

"I'm just trying to make a decent living, I mean, I have a truly industrious service to offer, and now the government is trying to regulate how I run my small business."

As restrictions on suicide vests become more strict the purchasers are finding new creative ways to get around the problem.  Children in Pakistan don't usually develop criminal records till their 6th birthday, and have, coincidentally been the top purchasers of suicide vests, at least in the under 12 age group.

Scientists Link Valentines Day to Satan

The Free World Press Issued the findings of a study conducted at Oxford Univeristy which show a clear link between Valentines Day and Satan.  Scientists at both UCLA, and Oxford recently unearthed stone tablets etched with the marking "Valentinus Satanus" or in layman's terms Valentines of Satan.  

They traced the history of Valentines day all the way to Satan's door.  It began a long time ago when St. Valentine first bought a box of the finest chocolate bon bon's and a Lexus for Mrs. Valentine.  He was a meager man, and it was thought that he made a deal with Satan to obtain these belongings.  Innocent connection? The facts are hard to ignore.

Elisha Broheim of UCLA had this to add:

"At first I thought, this is crazy, a complete waste of taxpayer money.  But I was wrong, I think we have laid  concrete and irrefutable links between the King of the Dark Underworld, and Valentines Day. " 

" I Never Take On Any Job I Can't Handle "

Ahhh, good old John McCain.  Where do I begin, the only candidate to be glorified with medals from the Vietnam war, WWII, WWI, and the Crimean War.  

When asked about his stance on the war his idea was clear:

"The United States should no longer act as the world's police but instead as the world's stripper, dressed as the police."

Serious questions arose after Senator McCain's embalming wraps came undone, leading to his double jowl extension surgury.  When asked where he would be if not running Senator McCaint curtly replied, "Dead."

Local Girl Pouts...Reasons Unknown

A "Scene Chick" was spotted pouting outside a hipster spot in Atlanta late Thursday evening.  When asked why no reponse was given.

"She was fine a few minutes ago," claimed a near by nearby Emo, "then all of a sudden, she just got mad, she was obviously upset about something."

A voicemail was left at the residence of her believed boyfriend, no response has been issued.

Some eye witnesses believe it was due to an incident which occurred a few hours earlier at the bar.  When asked the bar tender replied frankly, "B itch had a few too many, happens all the time."

Debbie Clemens Forced To Explain 0.0.0 ERA

A week after facing accusations of injecting human-growth hormone in 2003, Roger Clemens' wife Debbie has come under increased scrutiny from baseball fans and media figures who claim the revelation calls her lifetime major league 0.00 ERA into question. "Zero hits, zero walks, zero runs allowed," said local fan Dave Winthrop upon hearing about the charges, which he called "disheartening to say the least." "I guess when you think about it, based on what we know now, it makes sense. How could someone—a 39-year-old mother of four, no less—put up these kind of career numbers without the aid of illegal substances? Sad." Clemens has defended herself by saying that those extremely low numbers are simply the result of her never having pitched in the major leagues, excepting only her perfect game against the Baltimore Orioles in August of 2003

Once Excited Shaq Now Weary Of Suns Organization.

Claiming he was initially excited at the prospect of playing for a legitimate championship contender, new Phoenix Suns center Shaquille O'Neal admitted Wednesday that, upon reading about the phenomenon of massive stellar explosions popularly known as supernovas, he is now terrified of the entire organization.

"I have emerged from my astronomical studies a much more educated man, a learned man, and yes—a frightened man. I am now a sage of the supernova," 

While Shaq said simply being a part of the Suns' runaway-nuclear-fusion-reaction style of play would be frightening enough, he added that learning how an agining supergiant star typically ends its life cycle in a violent explosion was a profound, terrifying experience.

 "If I would have known being a Sun meant being a part of a system where gravity could collapse, causing my radiant celestial body to explode in an event 10 times brighter than an ordinary Phoenix Sun—or worse, dematerialize into a neutron star or possibly a black hole—I would have never agreed to the trade."

"I have a family to think of," continued a visually distraught Shaq, during a Press Conference/Powerpoint presentation in Phoenix.  He went on to state that, because super novas occur in our galaxy once every 40 to 50 years, the Suns, having joined the league in 1968, are "due for a big one"

Is Tornado Violence In The Media To Blame For Oklahoma Devastation?

It's been a long time, but life still hasn't returned to normal for the residents of this central Oklahoma town.  It probably never will.  Del City and it's surrounding area were shattered by a shocking act of violence that took 42 lives, not to mention this peaceful farming community's collective innocence.

"This sort of thing isn't supposed to happen here," said Del City resident Bud Swearingen, gazing at the mound of rubble and debris that what was once his home. "Maybe in Bangladesh or some other far-off place, but not here in America's heartland."

Like so many of those caught in their rampaging path, the killer tornado's have died, fading away n the Oklahoma Planes.  But the question still remains, how could this happen?  Why didn't anyone see it coming?  What woud drive an air mass to commit such a horrible act of violence?

For many the blame lies with the media

"Every day in this country, we are bombarded with images of powerful, destructive wind vortices," said Roland Gilchrist, director of the Princeton University Center For Media Studies. "Movies like Twister, TV shows like Fox's World's Scariest Tornadoes, networks like The Weather Channel—all of these only serve to glorify tornado violence and send the message that such destructive behavior is acceptable and even rewarded. We shouldn't be surprised, then, when real-life weather fronts start imitating what they see on TV."

Gilchrist called the similarity between the Oklahoma attack and those depicted in Twister"chilling."

"There's a scene in Twister in which a pick-up truck flips over, and then a farmhouse explodes," he said. "The exact same thing happened in Del City. That can't be mere coincidence."

According to Gilchrist, TV news programs only exacerbate the problem, reinforcing tornado behavior by giving them the attention they crave.

"Whenever a tornado threatens to strike, it's the lead story on the news," Gilchrist said. "That only fosters that kind of violent behavior and increases the odds of it recurring. Meanwhile, you never see any positive, uplifting weather stories on television. When was the last time a show was interrupted to report a beautiful, sunny day? When was the last time a 'cool-breeze warning' icon was placed in the corner of the screen? Never."

Euro's Now Accepted

Walking down the street in New York City, you will see a lot of signs; ATM, PIZZA, NO RESTROOM, WILL WORK FOR FOOD, etc. But now there is another sign in the dizzying array of printed madness, "Euros Welcome."  No, I'm not talking about the wind pant wearing, fanny pack toting bunch, I'm referring to their currency.  Apparently everybody has gotten so sick of the dollar they are out sourcing it to other countries over seas.  

My stance on this is clear, I am pro alternative currency, hopefully stores will go back to trading goods for wampum, or pelts.  Bottom line, i have a lot of pelts that I need to get rid of.

So What I Married An Axe Murderer?

He is quite possibly the manliest candidate out there, the only candidate named in the Mitchell Report, Mr. Hillary R. Clinton. Let's face it, he has the most experience, considering he ran the White House from 97-99.  When asked what the most exciting change she would see if elected, she responded;

"Well First off, I'd be the President."

C'mon Hillary, we all know you just need to get back into the White House to get some stuff that you left, ball gag, used needles, stuff like that.

"I am the only candidate who can claim experience on the issue of health care: an experience of glaring, humiliating failure dating back more than a decade."

Do We Really Want Another Black President After Deep Impact?

I am not prejudiced. Far from it. What I am—or, I should say, who I am—is a man who loves his country so deeply that he is unwilling to stand idly by while our nation allows itself to be completely annihilated by another incoming comet.

Have we learned nothing from the tragic events of 1998, when, under the watch of President Morgan Freeman, this nation was plunged into chaos, and hundreds of millions of people died at the hands of the deadly Wolf-Beiderman space rock? The mere fact that this country is even considering putting another black man, Barack Obama, in the Oval Office proves that we have not.

We can't deny the facts, people. All we will get by electing an African-American is Texas-size space particles crashing into the Earth's surface, mega-tsunamis that barrel into the Appalachian Mountains, and 6.6 billion dead people.

I'm not suggesting that President Freeman was directly responsible for the creation of the Wolf-Beiderman comet or its Earth-bound path. That would be ridiculous. What I am saying is that under the watch of a black man that comet destroyed the entire Eastern seaboard. So, if history is any indicator, a vote for Barack Obama in 2008 is essentially a vote for the complete and total obliteration of the human race.

Don't we owe it to our children, and our children's children, to use this upcoming election to guarantee the Earth's existence rather than dooming it for eternity?

To even risk putting Mr. Obama in a position where he would insist, as past black presidents have, that our nuclear arsenal is powerful enough to divert the incoming comet would be foolish, to say the least. Any decision like that would only break the fast-approaching space rock into two very powerful asteroids, both of which would end up heading straight for Earth, leaving all of us who aren't on the small list of people picked to live in the government-sponsored protective caves to burn, drown, or die while in the arms of our estranged fathers. The only difference is, this time around, the late astronaut Robert Duvall will not be alive to save millions of lives by conducting a suicide space mission to destroy the larger of the two asteroids before it enters the Earth's atmosphere.

In my book, any possible repeat of this extinction-level event is reason enough not to elect another African-American president. Consider that later that same summer, just two months after the first deep impact, this very country once again faced Armageddon in the form of another comet hurtling toward Earth. In this instance, under the watch of a white president who sort of looked like an older Dennis Quaid, that catastrophe was avoided entirely.

As if that is not enough, history shows us that, besides carrying the baggage of a guaranteed asteroid strike, black heads of state also give terrorists extra motivation to destroy the United States. During the presidency of 24's David Palmer, there were no fewer than four nuclear bombs smuggled into this country. That's four more than under any white president. Though we should have known better than to elect President Palmer in the first place (he was elected three years after President Freeman left office), the U.S. populace made him the commander in chief because it was swayed by then-Senator Palmer's commitment to change, his no-nonsense approach, and his ability to inspire. Sound familiar?†

Asteroids and nuclear bombs—that's what this nation can expect from an Obama White House.

Need I even mention that former President Chris Rock and his administration's slogan was "The only thing white is the house"? Though this attitude broke down the stuffiness typically associated with proper White House decorum, President Rock's laissez-faire approach not only made a mockery of the office at home, but made the United States look like a joke abroad.

I concede that the United States has had a competent African-American president in the huge black guy from the The Fifth Element, who did great things for this country by keeping the evil Mr. Zorg at bay. But that is years from now. There is no denying that by 2236, when we have flying taxicabs, this country will be ready for a black president. But until then, if we want life in this great land to continue as we know it, we owe it to ourselves to make the right choice and reelect Kevin Kline.

Presidential Candidate Bows Out, Runs Ad Bashing Self.

Mitt "Slush Bag" Romney bowed out of the presidential race, citing irreconcilable differences with the Ghost of Lincoln.  Romney known best for his smear tactics turned the pistol on himself after an unsuccessful shoot out with the other candidates.

The Ad is relentless including over 30 seconds of character bashing.  

"Would you want this man running your country.  The same man who cannot operate an automobile or microwave?"

Obviously the Glare of the Political spotlight was too much to bare and Mitt reverted back to a life of cotton robes, junk food, and irish whiskey.

GIANTS WIN..ELI OFFICIALLY A MAN

Eli Manning did it, he won the super bowl.  David beat Goliath, Annika Sorenstam won the US Open (Mens),  Corey Lynch blocked a punt, Eli beat Brady.  Some spectators claimed to have seen a dark bushy mustache forming under Eli Manning's nose.  I can't be certain, but I know one thing: Eli Manning became a man that day, and Archie became the luckiest Dad on earth.

patriots Would Rather Be Cloudy Diamonds Than Average Pebbles.

The most Eloquent of poets, dare I say the most consummate of dilettantes, could not have penned a better ending to a more nauseating saga.  The Patriots are 18-1, and they are ok with that.  

"Well, we had a great season.  We went 18-1, I don't think anyone else can say they did that.

If you think about it, we had a better season.  They may have won the Super...thing, but we

had a better record, and numbers don't lie."

They may have lost the Super Bowl, but their point is clear, they would rather be Big Time than Right Time.  Think about it, from the top to the bottom, from the Diabolically classless coach, the Spy Cams, the Cologne Ad QB, they were poised to disgust a nation, instead they gave it all a good laugh.