Friday, April 10, 2009

Just One More Go Round

So, I'm sitting here watching the Masters, and Gary Player comes up to 18th green to a standing ovation. I was genuinely moved. It was that moment in one of those ultra sad movies, like Forrest Gump, and Philadelphia; a moment where you have to almost look away for a second to make sure you don't eek out a tear or two. Here's to you Gary, you were one of the best, we will all miss you a lot.

Look out.....

Friday, December 12, 2008

At Least We're Better Than The Fucking Cubs.......

Fuck you Cole Hamels.  Now I truly know how big a douche you really are.  I hope you choke on a dick, and not the first one you suck, maybe like the 10th or 11th, so you aren't ready for it.  You figure "I've been sucking dicks all day now, you would think after the 10th one, not choking, his wish never came true.....slurp....Then BAM! Knockout Choke, eyes were shut before you even hit the mat.  Since you wanna talk shit, lets talk about how bad your team has sucked, you might be the worst team in baseball.

1.  The Rockies, Devil Rays, Padres, and Rangers all have lower winning %, but small sample sizes.  Rays(10), and Rockies(15), get tossed.  Padres (39), and Rangers(47) have been around longer but the Phillies at 147 are more than twice either of them.  Still their winning % isn't too far at .463 and .467, to the Phils .468.

2.  They are the lowest of the low. In seasons where at least 140 games were played 22 times a team has had a 100 loss season, 9 of those times it was Philly.  They also have 5 100 loss seasons for a grand total of 14.  The Cubs have only had 2.

3.  83-75 two playoff appearances, 92 opportunities, two partial successes.  2 championships 80, took em 97 years, and most recently which took them well over a quarter of a century.  They had a good stretch from 76-83 where they went to the playoffs 5 times and lost 3 straight NLCS from 76-78, choked 3 years in a row.  They had an 8 year stretch with Mike Schmitty where they made five post season appearances.  The other 116...They made 3.

4.  The overall record is the killer.  Phillies is lowest % of all original teams(.468).  Cubs(.536) just sit back and laugh.  Phillies have over 10,000 losses, Braves 9,681 and the Cubs 9,425.  It's gonna take the Braves over 20 years to catch them.

You guys are like that fuckin guy who always screws everything up, no mater how simple the task.  The kind of guy you never really want to hang around, but for some reason he always seems to know where everyone is going to be later in the evening.  The Kind of guy who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground, and has never been right about anything in his entire life, until one day, like a miracle from jebus the hand of god comes down and gives a gift to you, and you get something right.  And then you can't let it go.  Screaming at the top of your lungs until blood trickles out of your ears and down the side of you neck.  Eat it.  I lived with the fact that you guys won the world series.  But now....Fuck you.  You are a classless motherfucker.  Jesus who dresses Tim Tebow....  Anyway, I hope you catch a fuckin liner to the cunt you nutless wonder.  Get in  the fuckin octagon with Carlos (either one) and talk that shit you douche.

I'd be bitter too if my family and I had to watch this team for the last 100 years.  It's like watching a TV showing a live feed of your balls being cut with a straight razor.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Lets go Voltron Force!

NEW YORK—Facing the Cubs in the midst of a three-game losing streak, the desperate Mets sprinted out to the field Tuesday, launched themselves high into the air above Shea Stadium, and combined their bodies to form a 400-foot tall fielding robot called Carlos Voltron.

According to eyewitnesses, before the Mets players completed the complicated procedure, in which they fused their physical selves and combined their talents to form the 20,000-ton robot, manager Jerry Manuel called the team to the dugout, where he commanded them to prepare their interlock systems for activation, connect the appropriate dyna-therms, charge up the infra-cells to full capacity, engage the mega-thrusters, and give it their best out there.

"After losing eight of our last 12 games, forming Carlos Voltron is our only hope to save our playoff chances," Manuel said. "We really need power this late in the season, and the 2.5 million pounds of thrust in Voltron's solid-fuel boosters should give us the lift we need."

Leaving behind blue and orange vapor trails as they soared across the sky, the Mets were reportedly surrounded by a crackling electrical field as they folded their limbs into their bodies to ready themselves for assembly and to protect the team's home record.

Although Manuel said he had to settle an argument over who got to be the robot's head, his final lineup was David Wright and José Reyes forming the legs, Ramón Castro and Ryan Church making the feet, Nick Evans and Johan Santana completing the arms, Carlos Delgado and Luis Castillo joining to create the torso, and Carlos Beltrán forming the head.

While Cubs batters had taken early advantage of the Mets pitchers on Monday, the towering spectacle of Carlos Voltron proved to be an imposing presence on the mound, as the force of his foot slamming into the ground after the windup of his first pitch knocked the batter and umpire into the third row of the stands. In addition, the seismic energy unleashed by Carlos Voltron's follow-through created several deep cracks in the foundation of Shea Stadium, and accompanying atmospheric disturbances caused a 747 in a holding pattern over nearby La Guardia airport to plunge from the sky.

"In the second inning I had to have him take some heat off those pitches or he was going to kill somebody," said Manuel, adding that he clocked the first pitch at 85,000 mph. "After what happened to poor Alfonso Soriano, I told him let them hit a few balls."

"We might face this team in the playoffs," continued Manuel. "I'd hate to see what would happen to us if the Cubs unleashed the Robeast from their bullpen."

With his fast first step and an exceptionally long stride that carries the giant robot from the mound to the center field wall in one step, Carlos Voltron put on an amazing fielding display in the fifth inning when he robbed Cubs third baseman Aramis Ramírez of a 500-foot shot by plucking it out of the air between the robotic index finger and thumb of his leonine hand.

Although the Mets' fielding skills were excellent, they were not without flaws. Cubs manager Lou Piniella came out to the field to protest several times, complaining that his base runners injured themselves in the 10-foot deep trenches left behind from Carlos Voltron scooping up ground balls. Piniella also expressed frustration over his players suffering from collapsed rib cages, ruptured organs, and decapitations every time Voltron tagged them out.

Carlos Voltron's solid and consistent defensive play was only upstaged in the fans' eyes by his powerful hitting, with those in attendance claiming they suffered bad sunburns from the glare caused by the robot forming his blazing bat. Stepping up to the plate, he made almost perfect contact with the first pitch, belting the ball out of Shea and into the next solar system.

"That big guy they have at the heart of their lineup really has potential," Piniella said. "Little stiff, needs to fix that stance some, and could probably use some work on the throwing mechanics, but really, you get the feeling he's going to be good."

"I wonder how long they have him signed for," added Piniella. "Might be a risk with him shutting down for 20 minutes after getting gravel from the warning track in his guidance apparatus. Ah, what am I thinking? We already have Kerry Wood. We don't need another robot."

Meanwhile, defending a comfortable 600-0 lead in the top of ninth, the Mets decided to rest up Carlos Voltron by moving him to the outfield and replacing him with reliever Aaron Heilman, who lost the lead and eventually the game after giving up 618 runs to close the inning.

You had me at Hello.....

Oh baby, I've just missed you so much.  How could I ever have left you, you were the only thing that was ever good for me.  Here I am running around checking out all my options, thinking I was going to miss out on something....Boy was I wrong....But you kept the fires burning for me while I was gone, growing and maturing into the beautiful thing you are now.  Your rolling curves and temptations have seduced me again, and your toughness will keep me coming back for more.  I love you.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

You've Got the Touch!l

It always takes me too long to Blog, because now I have so much other shit to occupy my time, I always get sidetracked.  Take this for instance, instead of blogging last night I had a coworker of mine let his hair down, and we filmed a little music video.  

Instead of updating my blog, I've spent the past few nights watching the original animated Transformers Movie.  

It gets worse, today I got on Wiki. and followed the entire plot syn. of every episode after the movie, because I can't really remember those, I'm such a dork.