The release of the new Madden videogame has become an event in its own right. Here is a list of everything players can get excited about in '09, not counting roster changes:
Stupid HB Option play that would never work in real life but somehow works every goddamn time your friend Jacob does it
"Regular Life Mode," where you play in real time as a regular person living a fairly ordinary existence who occasionally gets to watch a football game
Improved cover jinx will force the player to wander the Earth for all time, unable to rest, in an eternal search for a single honest man
"Raise An Athlete Mode," where you act as a parent and must love and nurture your child's talent for 20 years; fatal injuries can be switched off
1,028 new fumble animations, one of which can be seen on every third play
Changed all the damn button controls around yet again so you have to relearn everything for the fourth time in five years
"Union President Mode" lets player withhold pensions from ex-players
When sacked for a loss of more than seven yards while playing the Wii version, television falls on you
New "Bust Mode" allows you to wash out after three disappointing seasons, start a new life as a car salesman or high school coach, and be interviewed about it by Jeremy Schaap
At some point in every Bears game, Jim Belushi shows up for an interview
"Actually Have Fun While Playing Mode," where all of the bullshit features created in the past five years are switched off so you can actually have fun while playing
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