I Learned It From Watching You Bill!

I am officially disenfranchised with the political system as is the stats quo.  It literally makes me sick, all of these people are basically liars.  I mean, how can your version of the truth be so different than the TRUTH.  That's a lie, right.....has something changed in the last few years that I wasn't aware of.  If I told the police that I wasn't drinking, but they found out I was, can I say I "mis-spoke?"

You are a damn liar, your psychotic, doing what you did is unpatriotic.  There are soldiers fighting REAL wars, REALLY serving their country, that you disgraced with your forked tongue.  You wanted all of us to feel sorry for you, you went to Bosnia and ducked away from sniper fire, and incoming enemy bullets.  Bullshit, you were taking pictures, and smiling clutching your puppy faced offspring.

Then you send you daughter out campaigning to colleges and someone asks her a legitimate

question. She gets mad and refuses to answer it. I will, yes it was, you are a liar, your husband

is a liar, basically everyone around you, and involved in politics is a big fat liar.

You asked for it, now you have to produce, that was your job out there. It's my

business just as it's the business of every other American citizen, blow me, I want

some fucking answers. If I went to Wal-Mart and asked where the phillips head

screwdrivers are, and you tell me it's none of my business.....I'm talking to Glenda

the night manager and taking your MF blue vest. You are officially full of shit :)

I've decided the only good candidate for presidency has to have nothing to hide.

We should know everything about them, why not, they are leaders of the free

world right? Why can't we know? Can someone answer that question. Why is

there stuff that the general public can't know about the person who is running

the country, good and bad? We need to put a businessman in the oval office,

see how much smoother everything runs, make the country a little bit of money.

Recession sucks. And So does politics.

Bill Gates for President

Rejected Wii Games

These are Nintendo Wii games that never made it off the cutting room floor.  Due to popular demand though, these games might all soon be released by Nintendo for the Wii Console.  

No...You The Man

What? You crazy. Me? The man? Please. Everybody in town know who the man is—you the man! I ain't the man. No way. You got it all. And I mean all. Shit, I ain't got half what you got.

Yo, check this out—you smooth, man. Ain't nobody smoother than my boy Adrian. You make the smooth look like they ain't smooth at all. Now, that's smooth.

So tell me this: How can I be the man when you the man? 'Cause, you see, there can be only one man, and I ain't it.

The other day, some folks came up to me, and they was all up in my face and shit, tellin' me that I be the man. When they said that, I was like, "What? You buggin! I ain't the man! No way, no day. My boy Adrian, he the man."

After I tell 'em that, then they was all like, "Adrian? That crazy homeboy from down 115th Street way? You right, Darren—Adrian is the man!"

But still, y'all better keep your hands off my lady, or else you gonna be the man with two black eyes, motherfucker! Shit, man, I was just playin' with you. You know I think you the man.

You The Man

You the man, know what I'm sayin'? You theman! You it, baby. Ain't nobody else. Nobody.

Yo, how you do it, man? Man, you operate. It's like, shit, you crazy smooth. You all that, and then some. Ain't no doubt.

You the man all the time, 24-7! You the man when you walk it, and you the man when you talk it. You the man when you play it, and you the man when you say it.

Yo, Darren, listen up and listen real good. You know what? I'll tell you what: You the man. That's right—you it.

Know what I'm sayin'?

Let me break it down for you just one time. You got that fine-ass lady, don't you? That shorty is one fine-ass ride. And those clothes you wear. Damn! You be like Mr. Armani Gucci Versace or somethin' in those threads.

You be shakin' it, breakin' it and quakin' it... and that's no fakin it. And I ain't even up to your moves on the field yet. You like Shaq and Penny and Michael all rolled into one out there. Slam dunkin' with a quickness!

Ain't no two ways about it, and ain't nobody doubt it. My man!

CPC and MuthaFuckin TG's

In honor of Anytime D.H., Bambino, both Bobby Browns, (outfield, and 3rd base, neither of which introduced Whitney Houston's Tonsils to the sweet taste of dragons tail), one handed pitchers, and a locally renowned third basemen turned manager by the name of my penis.

Dude, It Looks Like Your Dick Ate A Q-Tip!

So a recent study came out, showing 1-4 teenage girls has some sort of sexually transmitted disease.  Kind of makes you want to bag it up before you sleep with the friend, of a friend, of a friend, of some girl you met yesterday, huh? Not me, personally i like those odds, that's really only 25 out of 100 :)

Thanks You Netherlands

Since I'm receiving an overwhelming response from the people of Holland, The Netherlands, and Finland.  I thought I'd show them a little love.  Here is your main man's Ruud Van Nistelrooy.  He's cool footballer extraordinaire.

R. Express

...........

If They Treated Every Sport Like They Treated Baseball...

A secret investigation was launched into the recent suspicious activity involved in by the Special Olympics.  The main objective was to discover how there were so many "comspeditors" labeled "winners."  Sometimes, for sub par performance.

"I don't think there's anything 'winning' or 'special' about finishing in eighth or ninth place," chief investigator Harlan Brundage said. "Do these kids think they're winners just because they tried? Just because they gave it their all? Well, let me tell you, trying doesn't make you a winner. Coming in first does." 

An estimated 15,000 athletes participated in the Special Olympics this year, and, according to Special Olympics awards records, every one of them was declared a "winner."

According to Brundage, all Special Olympians will be stripped of their medals and held for questioning, pending a thorough investigation. Several Special Olympics officials and judges are also being detained.

Evidence of the massive scandal first came to light June 17, during a Special Olympics competition in Milpitas, CA. Marcy Simms, a 27-year-old gymnastics contestant, was declared a winner in the individual competition, despite falling off the two-foot-wide balance beam some 11 times and failing to execute even a single cartwheel.

Upon finishing the routine, Simms raised her arms above her head and cheered in triumph. Her parents then raced over to hug and kiss her, sharing in their daughter's "victory."

"When we saw Marcy celebrating, we were immediately suspicious of corruption," Brundage said. "Her routine was terrible—what could she possibly have been so happy about?"

Gymnastics judge Olga Rublovskya, a bronze medalist at the 1976 Montreal Olympics, agreed.

"I would have to give this performance of Marcy's a 0.0," Rublovskya said. "The routine was not very good at all."

The scope of the scandal widened at this year's Harwich, MA Special Olympics, where Jeff Coombs, 32, was awarded a medal in the 40-yard dash competition despite coming in fifteenth out of 15 competitors.

Following the race, an investigator asked Coombs if he realized how poorly he fared, to which Coombs replied, "I'm special! I'm a winner!"

When the investigator countered that Coombs was neither special nor a winner, but rather an exceptional failure who finished in dead last place, Coombs vehemently maintained his specialness.

"These are substandard athletes at best," Brundage said. "Why they are competing in something called the Olympics is a question we must answered. I promise a full investigation."

The scandal has also resulted in a loss of revenue for the Special Olympics Committee. Reebok and Toshiba, the event's two largest sponsors, have announced they are pulling out, and Pepsi is expected to follow.

"It is in Reebok's best interest at this time to put our money behind the 2010 China Games, where the athletes have proven their ability to run, jump and catch," said Marvin Balsam, Reebok Director of Marketing, explaining his company's decision to shift $158 million from the Special Olympics to the Chinese Games. "Until we see more physical skill from these Special Olym-pians, we have no choice but to spend our sponsorship dollars elsewhere."

So A Guy Walks Into A Bush...I Mean Bush....I Mean Bar

First of all, how stoned do you have to be when your child is born to name them sativa.  I am a connoisseur of sorts, but would never dream of naming my child after a controlled substance.

Second, holy shit!!! has this girl been locked in a weird smut closet for the past 10 years.  

Someone needs to do something with that squirrel pelt she has strapped to her vag.  Tried and true, the Bucket Shop Vagina Maintenance program does not work.

Meta...

Old Feller

The Green Bay Packers addressed questions concerning the current status, future plans, and whereabouts of recently retired quarterback Brett Favre by announcing Monday that they had sent him to the country to live on a beautiful farm with a very nice family.

"We know you loved Brett Favre, but he wasn't happy here. He couldn't stay here," Packers general manager Ted Thompson told hundreds of quiet but tear-streaked Packer fans assembled at the televised Lambeau Field press conference. "And he loved you, too—he loved you very much indeed—but he needed to go someplace where he could run and jump and throw his favorite football around. And he couldn't do that here anymore."

"So we took Brett out behind the Don Hutson practice facility last night, and we… Coach McCarthy and I, we… We gave him one last hug, and we said goodbye to him, and Brett went away forever," Thompson said, his voice breaking several times. "Those loud banging noises you heard were probably the truck backfiring. He went to the farm in a truck, you know."

Thompson then unveiled an artist's conception of Favre frolicking in the fields at the lovely farm, which he said was "a very, very nice place where they do not have winters or telephones" and "believe me, absolutely not Favre's farm in Hattiesburg, Mississippi."

"Don't be sad," Packer head coach Mike McCarthy told fans, many of whom began crying audibly, shaking their heads, or turning away at the news. "You should be happy for Brett. He is in a much better place now. He has many of your other favorite Packers, really great Packers like Reggie White and Ray Nitschke and Max McGee, to keep him company. And he even has a coach—Vince Lombardi is on that farm, too."

Although Packers officials gave no specific details of the farm, its location, or the family who will now take care of Favre, Thompson confirmed that it is "far, far away, beyond the football fields we know, in a very happy place where Brett will never be cold or get sacked ever again."

"There are no winters there, and no injuries, and no interceptions, and even though people will play football with Brett all day, they all have so much fun that no one remembers who won or who lost," McCarthy added. "Brett loved Green Bay, and it is a nice place, but this farm is even nicer. It was just time for him to go there."

Although many fans were upset that Favre had to leave to go to the farm even more suddenly than he retired, most seemed to understand that their quarterback was old and tired and needed to rest.

Team officials gently but firmly refused all fan and media requests to visit Favre on the farm.

"Someday we'll all join him there," Thompson added, avoiding the eyes of fans and reporters while seeming to look past them at something far in the distance. "Someday. But not for a long, long time. Right now, just be happy for Brett. Wherever he is now, what he wants most is for you to be happy."

Thompson also confirmed that Favre's jersey was still available from the Packer Pro Shop and that as long as Favre had gone to the farm, the $1.6 million outstanding on Favre's contract would not count towards the salary cap and be returned to the team.

How Much Cocaine You Gotta Give A Girl To Get Her To Eat Shit?

Damn Joe

If you go to a Joe Rogan stand up show, and you think he says something stupid, just keep your mouth shut.

They Call Me Lee Roy Jenkems...

I usually take my jenkem in the morning, let me tell you there isn't anything better than hitting that balloon in the morning, sitting back and watching the sunrise over a cup of grape juice.  I love getting "urinated" it makes me feel like I can do anything, I am a king of all men, not to sound brash, but I believe I found immortality, it's name is Jenkem.

First:

Take one bottle, glass is preferred, to adequately let the Jenkemites ferment.

The next step is to pee in the bottle....I know what your thinking, I'm gonna have to pinch it, or I am gonna fill up the whole bottle, and I hate pinching it...it stings.  There is an easy way to get around this pesky little problem.  You can either: 1) buy the big gatorade with Michael Jordan's hand on the side of it, or do as I do, and pee over the tub, or outdoors, so you can pull the bottle out of the stream to get just the right amount of pee, somewhere around 5 oz.  

Step 3, is to poop in the bottle, again, a tough task, much more difficult than any of the other steps.  The best way to do this, I found is to just poop into a plastic bag (much easier to center the butt-hole over), then use a $1 bill to grab it out.  I know, I know: "This was supposed to be a free high, what gives??"

Don't worry, if you think about how much a bag of Amsterdam's Finest, Cannabis Cup Winning Bud, a 22oz Bud Ice, or a bag of blow and a mail order bride cost.  You're getting out cheap.  Also, you can leave the dollar out on the sidewalk, and watch people get shit on their hands afterwards, a true jenkemeister past time.

After you poop in the bottle, put a balloon over the neck of the jar, and let it sit in the sun for a few days, it should look something like this:

After that, it's just a matter of watching your sun pee magically ferment.  The Jenkemites go to work, creating a delicious intoxicating gas known as Jenkem.  Breathe in and enjoy :)

Gotcha!!

Following another impressive simulated game on Monday, enigmatic but lovable Mets clubhouse joker Pedro Martinez informed reporters that he was "just kidding" about his arm injury, rotator-cuff surgery, and yearlong stint on the DL, playfully shrugging his shoulders and grinning in a fashion Mets officials are calling "vintage Pedro." "Boy, are our faces red," said Mets GM Omar Minaya, chuckling and shaking his head at the stunt, perhaps Martinez's craziest to date and one which has cost the team an estimated $16 million. "I can't believe we fell for the old 'torn rotator cuff' gag. Oh, Pedro. What will he think of next?" Mets manager Willie Randolph is planning to play a retaliatory prank on Martinez, which involves leaving him in past the sixth inning of a crucial playoff game.

Sorry I Was Late....Got Caught In Some PooNani

Disgraced New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer said Thursday he is resigning his post, effective Friday, but he vowed to “keep living it up with the whores.”

Spitzer, the former Wall Street corruption buster known for preaching ethical responsibility, has been accused of meeting a high-priced prostitute last month in a Washington, D.C., hotel.

He apologized to his family and the public on Tuesday for failing “to live up to the standard I expected of myself.” But with his political career squarely in the shitter, Spitzer told reporters Thursday that he plans to salvage the part of his life that hasn’t been tarnished by the scandal.

“I challenge any of these young ladies to say ‘Big E’ didn’t live up to their standards in the sack,” Spitzer said.

The Democrat, known as the “Sheriff of Wall Street” during two terms as attorney general, again apologized to his wife, Silda, and three teenage daughters for the embarrassment the situation has brought on them. But he also noted he has “no chance in hell of getting elected sanitation director at this point, so what the fuck?”

A 47-page affidavit supporting the charges against Spitzer — identified as “Client 9,” according to a source — said Temeka Rachelle Lewis talked with him and a prostitute named “Kristen” about a Feb. 13 meeting. (“More like ‘Client 69,’” Spitzer said, making several rapid gestures with his pelvic region.) Lewis and Client 9 spoke about payment of as much as $4,300, which would include credit for future dates.

“Let’s be honest, though,” Spitzer said with a creepy grin. “After one time, these bitches would be paying me.”

One of the bitches who previously had sex with Spitzer said there’s “no way” she would pay him, categorizing him as a “premature ejaculator” who “usually starts crying because he just blew 5 Gs for 30 seconds of awkward, marsupial-like intercourse.”

I'd hit it too, go get em tiger

Private Poop Party

True Story, that's the best part.

Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years — so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time the man finally called police.

It appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat, said Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple. The woman initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.

"We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," Whipple said. "The hospital removed it."

Whipple said investigators planned to present their report Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against the boyfriend.

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."

Police declined to release the couple's names, but the boyfriend, Kory McFarren, agreed to be interviewed Wednesday by The Associated Press. He identified his girlfriend as Pam Babcock.

McFarren, 36, told investigators he took Babcock food and water and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

"And her reply would be, 'Maybe tomorrow,'" Whipple said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom."

McFarren told the AP that he wasn't to blame, and that it was solely Babcock's choice to remain in the bathroom.

"She is an adult; she made her own decision. It was my fault I should have gotten help for her sooner; I admit that. But after a while, you kind of get used to it," McFarren said.

Although authorities said they think Babcock was in the bathroom for two years, McFarren said he wasn't certain how long she stayed there. He said she had a phobia about leaving the room because of childhood beatings.

"It just kind of happened one day. She went in and had been in there a little while, the next time it was a little longer. Then she got it in her head she was going to stay — like it was a safe place for her," McFarren said.

But McFarren said Babcock moved around in the bathroom during that time, bathed and changed into the clothes he brought her. He said they conversed and had an otherwise normal relationship — except that it all happened in the bathroom.

McFarren, who works at an antique store, said he has been taking care of Babcock for the 16 years they have lived together.

McFarren called police on Feb. 27 to report that "there was something wrong with his girlfriend," Whipple said.

Police found Babcock clothed and sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," and her legs looked as if they had atrophied, Whipple said.

"She said that she didn't need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave," he said.

She was reported in fair condition at a hospital in Wichita, about 150 miles southeast of Ness City. Whipple said she refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators.

McFarren said that his girlfriend has an infection in her legs that has damaged her nerves, and that she has no feeling in her legs. She may wind up in a wheelchair, he said.

Authorities said they did not know whether she was mentally or physically disabled.

The case has been the buzz of Ness City, said James Ellis, a neighbor.

"I don't think anybody can make any sense out of it," he said.

Ellis said he had known the woman since she was a child but that he had not seen her for at least six years.

He said she had a tough childhood after her mother died at a young age and apparently was usually kept inside the house as she grew up. At one time the woman worked for a long-term care facility, he said, but he did not know what kind of work she did there.

"It really doesn't surprise me," Ellis said. "What surprises me is somebody wasn't called in a bit earlier."

Bible v.2.0

Unlike some of my posts, this one is 100% true, heh.  The humor is inherent in the facts of this one, I didn't have to change anything.  Apparently God sent an E-Mail to the vatican, updating the bible.  

Thou shall not pollute the Earth. Thou shall beware genetic manipulation. Modern times bring with them modern sins. So the Vatican has told the faithful that they should be aware of "new" sins such as causing environmental blight.

The guidance came at the weekend when Archbishop Gianfranco Girotti, the Vatican's number two man in the sometimes murky area of sins and penance, spoke of modern evils.

Asked what he believed were today's "new sins," he told the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano that the greatest danger zone for the modern soul was the largely uncharted world of bioethics.

"(Within bioethics) there are areas where we absolutely must denounce some violations of the fundamental rights of human nature through experiments and genetic manipulation whose outcome is difficult to predict and control," he said.

The Vatican opposes stem cell research that involves destruction of embryos and has warned against the prospect of human cloning.

Girotti, in an interview headlined "New Forms of Social Sin," also listed "ecological" offences as modern evils.

In recent months, Pope Benedict has made several strong appeals for the protection of the environment, saying issues such as climate change had become gravely important for the entire human race.

Under Benedict and his predecessor John Paul, the Vatican has become progressively "green."

It has installed photovoltaic cells on buildings to produce electricity and hosted a scientific conference to discuss the ramifications of global warming and climate change, widely blamed on human use of fossil fuels.

Girotti, who is number two in the Vatican "Apostolic Penitentiary," which deals with matter of conscience, also listed drug trafficking and social and economic injustices as modern sins.

But Girotti also bemoaned that fewer and fewer Catholics go to confession at all.

He pointed to a study by Milan's Catholic University that showed that up to 60 percent of Catholic faithful in Italy stopped going to confession.

In the sacrament of Penance, Catholics confess their sins to a priest who absolves them in God's name.

But the same study by the Catholic University showed that 30 percent of Italian Catholics believed that there was no need for a priest to be God's intermediary and 20 percent felt uncomfortable talking about their sins to another person.

How Cool Are Boobs?....Really.

I love em, I really just can't say that enough.  I guess when it really comes down to it, you are either a boob guy, or an ass guy, then there are the rare vagina guys.  Lastly the toe and ankle guys, but they are fags anyway, so who cares. 

If you are young, or under the age of 18, you may want to not watch this, or shut the door and grab a tissue.  Either way, this is art people, cream colored booby art. :D

Madden 09 Release Notes

The release of the new Madden videogame has become an event in its own right.  Here is a list of everything players can get excited about in '09, not counting roster changes:

Stupid HB Option play that would never work in real life but somehow works every goddamn time your friend Jacob does it

"Regular Life Mode," where you play in real time as a regular person living a fairly ordinary existence who occasionally gets to watch a football game

Improved cover jinx will force the player to wander the Earth for all time, unable to rest, in an eternal search for a single honest man

"Raise An Athlete Mode," where you act as a parent and must love and nurture your child's talent for 20 years; fatal injuries can be switched off

1,028 new fumble animations, one of which can be seen on every third play

Changed all the damn button controls around yet again so you have to relearn everything for the fourth time in five years

"Union President Mode" lets player withhold pensions from ex-players

When sacked for a loss of more than seven yards while playing the Wii version, television falls on you

New "Bust Mode" allows you to wash out after three disappointing seasons, start a new life as a car salesman or high school coach, and be interviewed about it by Jeremy Schaap

At some point in every Bears game, Jim Belushi shows up for an interview

"Actually Have Fun While Playing Mode," where all of the bullshit features created in the past five years are switched off so you can actually have fun while playing

Stevie Ray Vaughn, R.I.P

Had to do it, hadn't seen this in a long time.  Stumbled upon it in YT.  Probably the best thing to ever come out of Texas.  Tragically lost. :(

Cooper, More Like Gold!

Gas and oil stock trader Cooper Manning, older brother of Peyton and Eli Manning, turned in an MVP-level performance for his employer, energy research firm Howard Weil, Labouisse and Friedrichs, Inc., Tuesday. "With time running out in the fourth quarter, I knew the only way we were going to come out on top was to pass on drill rig operator Nabors Industries, call a last-second audible, and put our faith in blue-chipper USA Superior Energy Holdings," an excited, champagne-drenched Manning told reporters on the trading floor after the final seconds ticked away and the closing bell officially sounded. "But I can't take all the credit. Without Howard [Weil's] clutch third-quarter decision to invest in the Bristow Group, we wouldn't even be standing here right now." Manning added that, though this is the type of day a professional oil and gas trader dreams of, he has no plans to rest on his laurels and will be back at work tomorrow in hopes of a repeat.

You're Cut Off

Joe Prawn, a bartender at the Bucket Shop Cafe, said he was growing increasingly worried about his growing tolerance for alcoholics. "A little used to go a long way, you know? I could last all night on one long, drawn-out tale of self pity, with maybe a brawl between two patrons as a nightcap," said Prawn, who has been taking in at least four alcoholics a night since getting his license in 1996. "But lately, it's been taking nine, 10, sometimes 15 of them to make me feel anything at all." Alcoholism tolerance has long been recognized as a problem in the hospitality industry, and experts warn it can lead to bartenders developing unhealthy tolerances for smokers, drug users, and sex addicts.

Pistons forward Rasheed Wallace awoke from the greatest dream Monday morning, in which he was in an NBA game, and he took off his headband and started using it as a slingshot, and everyone kept passing him the ball, but the balls were smaller than usual, or maybe his headband was bigger, and he kept slinging the balls into the hoop from a hundred feet away and he scored a million billion points, Wallace reported Monday. "I remember I was playing against the Celtics—except Paul Pierce, like, became Allen Iverson somehow, and my father was on their team for some reason—and my headband stretched across the whole court, and when I shot the balls from it, they all automatically went in, and then the floor started glowing," Wallace explained to reporters. "Also, I figured out this thing called the backwards dunk, where you dunk through the bottom of the rim, and the refs give you a thousand points for figuring out the secret. Oh, and the court was my house." Wallace said he cannot wait to try using his headband as a slingshot in a real game.