So, I'm sitting here watching the Masters, and Gary Player comes up to 18th green to a standing ovation. I was genuinely moved. It was that moment in one of those ultra sad movies, like Forrest Gump, and Philadelphia; a moment where you have to almost look away for a second to make sure you don't eek out a tear or two. Here's to you Gary, you were one of the best, we will all miss you a lot.
"After losing eight of our last 12 games, forming Carlos Voltron is our only hope to save our playoff chances," Manuel said. "We really need power this late in the season, and the 2.5 million pounds of thrust in Voltron's solid-fuel boosters should give us the lift we need."
Leaving behind blue and orange vapor trails as they soared across the sky, the Mets were reportedly surrounded by a crackling electrical field as they folded their limbs into their bodies to ready themselves for assembly and to protect the team's home record.
Although Manuel said he had to settle an argument over who got to be the robot's head, his final lineup was David Wright and José Reyes forming the legs, Ramón Castro and Ryan Church making the feet, Nick Evans and Johan Santana completing the arms, Carlos Delgado and Luis Castillo joining to create the torso, and Carlos Beltrán forming the head.
While Cubs batters had taken early advantage of the Mets pitchers on Monday, the towering spectacle of Carlos Voltron proved to be an imposing presence on the mound, as the force of his foot slamming into the ground after the windup of his first pitch knocked the batter and umpire into the third row of the stands. In addition, the seismic energy unleashed by Carlos Voltron's follow-through created several deep cracks in the foundation of Shea Stadium, and accompanying atmospheric disturbances caused a 747 in a holding pattern over nearby La Guardia airport to plunge from the sky.
"In the second inning I had to have him take some heat off those pitches or he was going to kill somebody," said Manuel, adding that he clocked the first pitch at 85,000 mph. "After what happened to poor Alfonso Soriano, I told him let them hit a few balls."
"We might face this team in the playoffs," continued Manuel. "I'd hate to see what would happen to us if the Cubs unleashed the Robeast from their bullpen."
With his fast first step and an exceptionally long stride that carries the giant robot from the mound to the center field wall in one step, Carlos Voltron put on an amazing fielding display in the fifth inning when he robbed Cubs third baseman Aramis Ramírez of a 500-foot shot by plucking it out of the air between the robotic index finger and thumb of his leonine hand.
Although the Mets' fielding skills were excellent, they were not without flaws. Cubs manager Lou Piniella came out to the field to protest several times, complaining that his base runners injured themselves in the 10-foot deep trenches left behind from Carlos Voltron scooping up ground balls. Piniella also expressed frustration over his players suffering from collapsed rib cages, ruptured organs, and decapitations every time Voltron tagged them out.
Carlos Voltron's solid and consistent defensive play was only upstaged in the fans' eyes by his powerful hitting, with those in attendance claiming they suffered bad sunburns from the glare caused by the robot forming his blazing bat. Stepping up to the plate, he made almost perfect contact with the first pitch, belting the ball out of Shea and into the next solar system.
"That big guy they have at the heart of their lineup really has potential," Piniella said. "Little stiff, needs to fix that stance some, and could probably use some work on the throwing mechanics, but really, you get the feeling he's going to be good."
"I wonder how long they have him signed for," added Piniella. "Might be a risk with him shutting down for 20 minutes after getting gravel from the warning track in his guidance apparatus. Ah, what am I thinking? We already have Kerry Wood. We don't need another robot."
Meanwhile, defending a comfortable 600-0 lead in the top of ninth, the Mets decided to rest up Carlos Voltron by moving him to the outfield and replacing him with reliever Aaron Heilman, who lost the lead and eventually the game after giving up 618 runs to close the inning.
What? You crazy. Me? The man? Please. Everybody in town know who the man is—you the man! I ain't the man. No way. You got it all. And I mean all. Shit, I ain't got half what you got.
Yo, check this out—you smooth, man. Ain't nobody smoother than my boy Adrian. You make the smooth look like they ain't smooth at all. Now, that's smooth.
So tell me this: How can I be the man when you the man? 'Cause, you see, there can be only one man, and I ain't it.
The other day, some folks came up to me, and they was all up in my face and shit, tellin' me that I be the man. When they said that, I was like, "What? You buggin! I ain't the man! No way, no day. My boy Adrian, he the man."
After I tell 'em that, then they was all like, "Adrian? That crazy homeboy from down 115th Street way? You right, Darren—Adrian is the man!"
But still, y'all better keep your hands off my lady, or else you gonna be the man with two black eyes, motherfucker! Shit, man, I was just playin' with you. You know I think you the man.
You the man, know what I'm sayin'? You theman! You it, baby. Ain't nobody else. Nobody.
Yo, how you do it, man? Man, you operate. It's like, shit, you crazy smooth. You all that, and then some. Ain't no doubt.
You the man all the time, 24-7! You the man when you walk it, and you the man when you talk it. You the man when you play it, and you the man when you say it.
Yo, Darren, listen up and listen real good. You know what? I'll tell you what: You the man. That's right—you it.
Know what I'm sayin'?
Let me break it down for you just one time. You got that fine-ass lady, don't you? That shorty is one fine-ass ride. And those clothes you wear. Damn! You be like Mr. Armani Gucci Versace or somethin' in those threads.
You be shakin' it, breakin' it and quakin' it... and that's no fakin it. And I ain't even up to your moves on the field yet. You like Shaq and Penny and Michael all rolled into one out there. Slam dunkin' with a quickness!
Ain't no two ways about it, and ain't nobody doubt it. My man!
A secret investigation was launched into the recent suspicious activity involved in by the Special Olympics. The main objective was to discover how there were so many "comspeditors" labeled "winners." Sometimes, for sub par performance.
"I don't think there's anything 'winning' or 'special' about finishing in eighth or ninth place," chief investigator Harlan Brundage said. "Do these kids think they're winners just because they tried? Just because they gave it their all? Well, let me tell you, trying doesn't make you a winner. Coming in first does."
An estimated 15,000 athletes participated in the Special Olympics this year, and, according to Special Olympics awards records, every one of them was declared a "winner."
According to Brundage, all Special Olympians will be stripped of their medals and held for questioning, pending a thorough investigation. Several Special Olympics officials and judges are also being detained.
Evidence of the massive scandal first came to light June 17, during a Special Olympics competition in Milpitas, CA. Marcy Simms, a 27-year-old gymnastics contestant, was declared a winner in the individual competition, despite falling off the two-foot-wide balance beam some 11 times and failing to execute even a single cartwheel.
Upon finishing the routine, Simms raised her arms above her head and cheered in triumph. Her parents then raced over to hug and kiss her, sharing in their daughter's "victory."
"When we saw Marcy celebrating, we were immediately suspicious of corruption," Brundage said. "Her routine was terrible—what could she possibly have been so happy about?"
Gymnastics judge Olga Rublovskya, a bronze medalist at the 1976 Montreal Olympics, agreed.
"I would have to give this performance of Marcy's a 0.0," Rublovskya said. "The routine was not very good at all."
The scope of the scandal widened at this year's Harwich, MA Special Olympics, where Jeff Coombs, 32, was awarded a medal in the 40-yard dash competition despite coming in fifteenth out of 15 competitors.
Following the race, an investigator asked Coombs if he realized how poorly he fared, to which Coombs replied, "I'm special! I'm a winner!"
When the investigator countered that Coombs was neither special nor a winner, but rather an exceptional failure who finished in dead last place, Coombs vehemently maintained his specialness.
"These are substandard athletes at best," Brundage said. "Why they are competing in something called the Olympics is a question we must answered. I promise a full investigation."
The scandal has also resulted in a loss of revenue for the Special Olympics Committee. Reebok and Toshiba, the event's two largest sponsors, have announced they are pulling out, and Pepsi is expected to follow.
"It is in Reebok's best interest at this time to put our money behind the 2010 China Games, where the athletes have proven their ability to run, jump and catch," said Marvin Balsam, Reebok Director of Marketing, explaining his company's decision to shift $158 million from the Special Olympics to the Chinese Games. "Until we see more physical skill from these Special Olym-pians, we have no choice but to spend our sponsorship dollars elsewhere."
