SB's and Tuxedo T's

Just One More Go Round

2009-04-10T14:52:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sitting here watching the Masters, and Gary Player comes up to 18th green to a standing ovation. I was genuinely moved. It was that moment in one of those ultra sad movies, like Forrest Gump, and Philadelphia; a moment where you have to almost look away for a second to make sure you don't eek out a tear or two. Here's to you Gary, you were one of the best, we will all miss you a lot.

P.S.
Look out.....

At Least We're Better Than The Fucking Cubs.......

2008-12-12T01:36:00.001-08:00

Fuck you Cole Hamels. Now I truly know how big a douche you really are. I hope you choke on a dick, and not the first one you suck, maybe like the 10th or 11th, so you aren't ready for it. You figure "I've been sucking dicks all day now, you would think after the 10th one, not choking, his wish never came true.....slurp....Then BAM! Knockout Choke, eyes were shut before you even hit the mat. Since you wanna talk shit, lets talk about how bad your team has sucked, you might be the worst team in baseball.

1. The Rockies, Devil Rays, Padres, and Rangers all have lower winning %, but small sample sizes. Rays(10), and Rockies(15), get tossed. Padres (39), and Rangers(47) have been around longer but the Phillies at 147 are more than twice either of them. Still their winning % isn't too far at .463 and .467, to the Phils .468.

2. They are the lowest of the low. In seasons where at least 140 games were played 22 times a team has had a 100 loss season, 9 of those times it was Philly. They also have 5 100 loss seasons for a grand total of 14. The Cubs have only had 2.

3. 83-75 two playoff appearances, 92 opportunities, two partial successes. 2 championships 80, took em 97 years, and most recently which took them well over a quarter of a century. They had a good stretch from 76-83 where they went to the playoffs 5 times and lost 3 straight NLCS from 76-78, choked 3 years in a row. They had an 8 year stretch with Mike Schmitty where they made five post season appearances. The other 116...They made 3.

4. The overall record is the killer. Phillies is lowest % of all original teams(.468). Cubs(.536) just sit back and laugh. Phillies have over 10,000 losses, Braves 9,681 and the Cubs 9,425. It's gonna take the Braves over 20 years to catch them.

You guys are like that fuckin guy who always screws everything up, no mater how simple the task. The kind of guy you never really want to hang around, but for some reason he always seems to know where everyone is going to be later in the evening. The Kind of guy who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground, and has never been right about anything in his entire life, until one day, like a miracle from jebus the hand of god comes down and gives a gift to you, and you get something right. And then you can't let it go. Screaming at the top of your lungs until blood trickles out of your ears and down the side of you neck. Eat it. I lived with the fact that you guys won the world series. But now....Fuck you. You are a classless motherfucker. Jesus who dresses Tim Tebow.... Anyway, I hope you catch a fuckin liner to the cunt you nutless wonder. Get in the fuckin octagon with Carlos (either one) and talk that shit you douche.

I'd be bitter too if my family and I had to watch this team for the last 100 years. It's like watching a TV showing a live feed of your balls being cut with a straight razor.

Seriously? That's Fuckin' Ridiculous....

2008-10-15T11:55:00.000-07:00

Fuck You

You're Cool

I'm Out...

Lets go Voltron Force!

2008-10-14T07:52:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK—Facing the Cubs in the midst of a three-game losing streak, the desperate Mets sprinted out to the field Tuesday, launched themselves high into the air above Shea Stadium, and combined their bodies to form a 400-foot tall fielding robot called Carlos Voltron.

According to eyewitnesses, before the Mets players completed the complicated procedure, in which they fused their physical selves and combined their talents to form the 20,000-ton robot, manager Jerry Manuel called the team to the dugout, where he commanded them to prepare their interlock systems for activation, connect the appropriate dyna-therms, charge up the infra-cells to full capacity, engage the mega-thrusters, and give it their best out there.

"After losing eight of our last 12 games, forming Carlos Voltron is our only hope to save our playoff chances," Manuel said. "We really need power this late in the season, and the 2.5 million pounds of thrust in Voltron's solid-fuel boosters should give us the lift we need."

Leaving behind blue and orange vapor trails as they soared across the sky, the Mets were reportedly surrounded by a crackling electrical field as they folded their limbs into their bodies to ready themselves for assembly and to protect the team's home record.

Although Manuel said he had to settle an argument over who got to be the robot's head, his final lineup was David Wright and José Reyes forming the legs, Ramón Castro and Ryan Church making the feet, Nick Evans and Johan Santana completing the arms, Carlos Delgado and Luis Castillo joining to create the torso, and Carlos Beltrán forming the head.

While Cubs batters had taken early advantage of the Mets pitchers on Monday, the towering spectacle of Carlos Voltron proved to be an imposing presence on the mound, as the force of his foot slamming into the ground after the windup of his first pitch knocked the batter and umpire into the third row of the stands. In addition, the seismic energy unleashed by Carlos Voltron's follow-through created several deep cracks in the foundation of Shea Stadium, and accompanying atmospheric disturbances caused a 747 in a holding pattern over nearby La Guardia airport to plunge from the sky.

"In the second inning I had to have him take some heat off those pitches or he was going to kill somebody," said Manuel, adding that he clocked the first pitch at 85,000 mph. "After what happened to poor Alfonso Soriano, I told him let them hit a few balls."

"We might face this team in the playoffs," continued Manuel. "I'd hate to see what would happen to us if the Cubs unleashed the Robeast from their bullpen."

With his fast first step and an exceptionally long stride that carries the giant robot from the mound to the center field wall in one step, Carlos Voltron put on an amazing fielding display in the fifth inning when he robbed Cubs third baseman Aramis Ramírez of a 500-foot shot by plucking it out of the air between the robotic index finger and thumb of his leonine hand.

Although the Mets' fielding skills were excellent, they were not without flaws. Cubs manager Lou Piniella came out to the field to protest several times, complaining that his base runners injured themselves in the 10-foot deep trenches left behind from Carlos Voltron scooping up ground balls. Piniella also expressed frustration over his players suffering from collapsed rib cages, ruptured organs, and decapitations every time Voltron tagged them out.

Carlos Voltron's solid and consistent defensive play was only upstaged in the fans' eyes by his powerful hitting, with those in attendance claiming they suffered bad sunburns from the glare caused by the robot forming his blazing bat. Stepping up to the plate, he made almost perfect contact with the first pitch, belting the ball out of Shea and into the next solar system.

"That big guy they have at the heart of their lineup really has potential," Piniella said. "Little stiff, needs to fix that stance some, and could probably use some work on the throwing mechanics, but really, you get the feeling he's going to be good."

"I wonder how long they have him signed for," added Piniella. "Might be a risk with him shutting down for 20 minutes after getting gravel from the warning track in his guidance apparatus. Ah, what am I thinking? We already have Kerry Wood. We don't need another robot."

Meanwhile, defending a comfortable 600-0 lead in the top of ninth, the Mets decided to rest up Carlos Voltron by moving him to the outfield and replacing him with reliever Aaron Heilman, who lost the lead and eventually the game after giving up 618 runs to close the inning.

You had me at Hello.....

2008-10-14T07:18:00.000-07:00

Oh baby, I've just missed you so much. How could I ever have left you, you were the only thing that was ever good for me. Here I am running around checking out all my options, thinking I was going to miss out on something....Boy was I wrong....But you kept the fires burning for me while I was gone, growing and maturing into the beautiful thing you are now. Your rolling curves and temptations have seduced me again, and your toughness will keep me coming back for more. I love you.

He can't say his L's

2008-05-05T08:33:00.001-07:00

Hilarity

Check out this video: korean baby singing hey jude

Add to My Profile | More Videos

You've Got the Touch!l

2008-04-30T18:44:00.000-07:00

It always takes me too long to Blog, because now I have so much other shit to occupy my time, I always get sidetracked. Take this for instance, instead of blogging last night I had a coworker of mine let his hair down, and we filmed a little music video.

Instead of updating my blog, I've spent the past few nights watching the original animated Transformers Movie.

It gets worse, today I got on Wiki. and followed the entire plot syn. of every episode after the movie, because I can't really remember those, I'm such a dork.

It's a Celebration Bitches!!

2008-04-20T21:31:00.000-07:00

Happy 420 everybody!!, naturally this post is really late, as I have been significantly slowed by the mood of the day. Everybody stay safe, and enjoy yourself. Or should I say stayed safe, and enjoyed yourself.

In Honor of the man himself, a living testament, enjoy this too.

So What Am I So Afraid Of?

2008-04-17T10:56:00.000-07:00

An otherwise routine set play involving a variation on the classic "pick" strategy transformed into a singularly unforgettable moment Sunday when Lakers center Pau Gasol interposed himself in order to stop the defensive pursuit of Spurs guard Tony Parker with body contact, but in the words of Parker himself "stopped my heart instead." "I came around the key to the baseline like it was any other day, but then there he was… First our hips met, then our eyes, and I was knocked off my feet—literally and figuratively," Parker told reporters afterward. "Time stopped forever for me at that moment, and I knew then that whatever happened in this crucial best-of-five series, one of the most crucial moments of my life had just happened. That now and forever, for me—for us—there would always be eight seconds left on the shot clock." Gasol refused to comment on the moment, telling reporters that "Parker and I will always have the Staples Center." :)

I Learned It From Watching You Bill!

2008-03-26T19:47:00.000-07:00

I am officially disenfranchised with the political system as is the stats quo. It literally makes me sick, all of these people are basically liars. I mean, how can your version of the truth be so different than the TRUTH. That's a lie, right.....has something changed in the last few years that I wasn't aware of. If I told the police that I wasn't drinking, but they found out I was, can I say I "mis-spoke?"

You are a damn liar, your psychotic, doing what you did is unpatriotic. There are soldiers fighting REAL wars, REALLY serving their country, that you disgraced with your forked tongue. You wanted all of us to feel sorry for you, you went to Bosnia and ducked away from sniper fire, and incoming enemy bullets. Bullshit, you were taking pictures, and smiling clutching your puppy faced offspring.

Then you send you daughter out campaigning to colleges and someone asks her a legitimate

question. She gets mad and refuses to answer it. I will, yes it was, you are a liar, your husband

is a liar, basically everyone around you, and involved in politics is a big fat liar.

You asked for it, now you have to produce, that was your job out there. It's my

business just as it's the business of every other American citizen, blow me, I want

some fucking answers. If I went to Wal-Mart and asked where the phillips head

screwdrivers are, and you tell me it's none of my business.....I'm talking to Glenda

the night manager and taking your MF blue vest. You are officially full of shit :)

I've decided the only good candidate for presidency has to have nothing to hide.

We should know everything about them, why not, they are leaders of the free

world right? Why can't we know? Can someone answer that question. Why is

there stuff that the general public can't know about the person who is running

the country, good and bad? We need to put a businessman in the oval office,

see how much smoother everything runs, make the country a little bit of money.

Recession sucks. And So does politics.

Bill Gates for President

Rejected Wii Games

2008-03-26T12:15:00.001-07:00

These are Nintendo Wii games that never made it off the cutting room floor. Due to popular demand though, these games might all soon be released by Nintendo for the Wii Console.

No...You The Man

2008-03-26T00:07:00.000-07:00

What? You crazy. Me? The man? Please. Everybody in town know who the man is—you the man! I ain't the man. No way. You got it all. And I mean all. Shit, I ain't got half what you got.

Yo, check this out—you smooth, man. Ain't nobody smoother than my boy Adrian. You make the smooth look like they ain't smooth at all. Now, that's smooth.

So tell me this: How can I be the man when you the man? 'Cause, you see, there can be only one man, and I ain't it.

The other day, some folks came up to me, and they was all up in my face and shit, tellin' me that I be the man. When they said that, I was like, "What? You buggin! I ain't the man! No way, no day. My boy Adrian, he the man."

After I tell 'em that, then they was all like, "Adrian? That crazy homeboy from down 115th Street way? You right, Darren—Adrian is the man!"

But still, y'all better keep your hands off my lady, or else you gonna be the man with two black eyes, motherfucker! Shit, man, I was just playin' with you. You know I think you the man.

You The Man

2008-03-26T00:04:00.000-07:00

You the man, know what I'm sayin'? You theman! You it, baby. Ain't nobody else. Nobody.

Yo, how you do it, man? Man, you operate. It's like, shit, you crazy smooth. You all that, and then some. Ain't no doubt.

You the man all the time, 24-7! You the man when you walk it, and you the man when you talk it. You the man when you play it, and you the man when you say it.

Yo, Darren, listen up and listen real good. You know what? I'll tell you what: You the man. That's right—you it.

Know what I'm sayin'?

Let me break it down for you just one time. You got that fine-ass lady, don't you? That shorty is one fine-ass ride. And those clothes you wear. Damn! You be like Mr. Armani Gucci Versace or somethin' in those threads.

You be shakin' it, breakin' it and quakin' it... and that's no fakin it. And I ain't even up to your moves on the field yet. You like Shaq and Penny and Michael all rolled into one out there. Slam dunkin' with a quickness!

Ain't no two ways about it, and ain't nobody doubt it. My man!

CPC and MuthaFuckin TG's

2008-03-23T21:36:00.001-07:00

In honor of Anytime D.H., Bambino, both Bobby Browns, (outfield, and 3rd base, neither of which introduced Whitney Houston's Tonsils to the sweet taste of dragons tail), one handed pitchers, and a locally renowned third basemen turned manager by the name of my penis.

Dude, It Looks Like Your Dick Ate A Q-Tip!

2008-03-20T11:16:00.001-07:00

So a recent study came out, showing 1-4 teenage girls has some sort of sexually transmitted disease. Kind of makes you want to bag it up before you sleep with the friend, of a friend, of a friend, of some girl you met yesterday, huh? Not me, personally i like those odds, that's really only 25 out of 100 :)

Thanks You Netherlands

2008-03-19T00:51:00.000-07:00

Since I'm receiving an overwhelming response from the people of Holland, The Netherlands, and Finland. I thought I'd show them a little love. Here is your main man's Ruud Van Nistelrooy. He's cool footballer extraordinaire.

R. Express

2008-03-18T12:11:00.001-07:00

...........

If They Treated Every Sport Like They Treated Baseball...

2008-03-18T12:02:00.000-07:00

A secret investigation was launched into the recent suspicious activity involved in by the Special Olympics. The main objective was to discover how there were so many "comspeditors" labeled "winners." Sometimes, for sub par performance.

"I don't think there's anything 'winning' or 'special' about finishing in eighth or ninth place," chief investigator Harlan Brundage said. "Do these kids think they're winners just because they tried? Just because they gave it their all? Well, let me tell you, trying doesn't make you a winner. Coming in first does."

An estimated 15,000 athletes participated in the Special Olympics this year, and, according to Special Olympics awards records, every one of them was declared a "winner."

According to Brundage, all Special Olympians will be stripped of their medals and held for questioning, pending a thorough investigation. Several Special Olympics officials and judges are also being detained.

Evidence of the massive scandal first came to light June 17, during a Special Olympics competition in Milpitas, CA. Marcy Simms, a 27-year-old gymnastics contestant, was declared a winner in the individual competition, despite falling off the two-foot-wide balance beam some 11 times and failing to execute even a single cartwheel.

Upon finishing the routine, Simms raised her arms above her head and cheered in triumph. Her parents then raced over to hug and kiss her, sharing in their daughter's "victory."

"When we saw Marcy celebrating, we were immediately suspicious of corruption," Brundage said. "Her routine was terrible—what could she possibly have been so happy about?"

Gymnastics judge Olga Rublovskya, a bronze medalist at the 1976 Montreal Olympics, agreed.

"I would have to give this performance of Marcy's a 0.0," Rublovskya said. "The routine was not very good at all."

The scope of the scandal widened at this year's Harwich, MA Special Olympics, where Jeff Coombs, 32, was awarded a medal in the 40-yard dash competition despite coming in fifteenth out of 15 competitors.

Following the race, an investigator asked Coombs if he realized how poorly he fared, to which Coombs replied, "I'm special! I'm a winner!"

When the investigator countered that Coombs was neither special nor a winner, but rather an exceptional failure who finished in dead last place, Coombs vehemently maintained his specialness.

"These are substandard athletes at best," Brundage said. "Why they are competing in something called the Olympics is a question we must answered. I promise a full investigation."

The scandal has also resulted in a loss of revenue for the Special Olympics Committee. Reebok and Toshiba, the event's two largest sponsors, have announced they are pulling out, and Pepsi is expected to follow.

"It is in Reebok's best interest at this time to put our money behind the 2010 China Games, where the athletes have proven their ability to run, jump and catch," said Marvin Balsam, Reebok Director of Marketing, explaining his company's decision to shift $158 million from the Special Olympics to the Chinese Games. "Until we see more physical skill from these Special Olym-pians, we have no choice but to spend our sponsorship dollars elsewhere."

So A Guy Walks Into A Bush...I Mean Bush....I Mean Bar

2008-03-15T20:24:00.000-07:00

First of all, how stoned do you have to be when your child is born to name them sativa. I am a connoisseur of sorts, but would never dream of naming my child after a controlled substance.

Second, holy shit!!! has this girl been locked in a weird smut closet for the past 10 years.

Someone needs to do something with that squirrel pelt she has strapped to her vag. Tried and true, the Bucket Shop Vagina Maintenance program does not work.

Meta...

2008-03-14T02:55:00.001-07:00

Old Feller

2008-03-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

The Green Bay Packers addressed questions concerning the current status, future plans, and whereabouts of recently retired quarterback Brett Favre by announcing Monday that they had sent him to the country to live on a beautiful farm with a very nice family.

"We know you loved Brett Favre, but he wasn't happy here. He couldn't stay here," Packers general manager Ted Thompson told hundreds of quiet but tear-streaked Packer fans assembled at the televised Lambeau Field press conference. "And he loved you, too—he loved you very much indeed—but he needed to go someplace where he could run and jump and throw his favorite football around. And he couldn't do that here anymore."

"So we took Brett out behind the Don Hutson practice facility last night, and we… Coach McCarthy and I, we… We gave him one last hug, and we said goodbye to him, and Brett went away forever," Thompson said, his voice breaking several times. "Those loud banging noises you heard were probably the truck backfiring. He went to the farm in a truck, you know."

Thompson then unveiled an artist's conception of Favre frolicking in the fields at the lovely farm, which he said was "a very, very nice place where they do not have winters or telephones" and "believe me, absolutely not Favre's farm in Hattiesburg, Mississippi."

"Don't be sad," Packer head coach Mike McCarthy told fans, many of whom began crying audibly, shaking their heads, or turning away at the news. "You should be happy for Brett. He is in a much better place now. He has many of your other favorite Packers, really great Packers like Reggie White and Ray Nitschke and Max McGee, to keep him company. And he even has a coach—Vince Lombardi is on that farm, too."

Although Packers officials gave no specific details of the farm, its location, or the family who will now take care of Favre, Thompson confirmed that it is "far, far away, beyond the football fields we know, in a very happy place where Brett will never be cold or get sacked ever again."

"There are no winters there, and no injuries, and no interceptions, and even though people will play football with Brett all day, they all have so much fun that no one remembers who won or who lost," McCarthy added. "Brett loved Green Bay, and it is a nice place, but this farm is even nicer. It was just time for him to go there."

Although many fans were upset that Favre had to leave to go to the farm even more suddenly than he retired, most seemed to understand that their quarterback was old and tired and needed to rest.

Team officials gently but firmly refused all fan and media requests to visit Favre on the farm.

"Someday we'll all join him there," Thompson added, avoiding the eyes of fans and reporters while seeming to look past them at something far in the distance. "Someday. But not for a long, long time. Right now, just be happy for Brett. Wherever he is now, what he wants most is for you to be happy."

Thompson also confirmed that Favre's jersey was still available from the Packer Pro Shop and that as long as Favre had gone to the farm, the $1.6 million outstanding on Favre's contract would not count towards the salary cap and be returned to the team.

How Much Cocaine You Gotta Give A Girl To Get Her To Eat Shit?

2008-03-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

Damn Joe

2008-03-13T10:14:00.001-07:00

If you go to a Joe Rogan stand up show, and you think he says something stupid, just keep your mouth shut.

They Call Me Lee Roy Jenkems...

2008-03-12T23:20:00.000-07:00

I usually take my jenkem in the morning, let me tell you there isn't anything better than hitting that balloon in the morning, sitting back and watching the sunrise over a cup of grape juice. I love getting "urinated" it makes me feel like I can do anything, I am a king of all men, not to sound brash, but I believe I found immortality, it's name is Jenkem.

First:

Take one bottle, glass is preferred, to adequately let the Jenkemites ferment.

The next step is to pee in the bottle....I know what your thinking, I'm gonna have to pinch it, or I am gonna fill up the whole bottle, and I hate pinching it...it stings. There is an easy way to get around this pesky little problem. You can either: 1) buy the big gatorade with Michael Jordan's hand on the side of it, or do as I do, and pee over the tub, or outdoors, so you can pull the bottle out of the stream to get just the right amount of pee, somewhere around 5 oz.

Step 3, is to poop in the bottle, again, a tough task, much more difficult than any of the other steps. The best way to do this, I found is to just poop into a plastic bag (much easier to center the butt-hole over), then use a $1 bill to grab it out. I know, I know: "This was supposed to be a free high, what gives??"

Don't worry, if you think about how much a bag of Amsterdam's Finest, Cannabis Cup Winning Bud, a 22oz Bud Ice, or a bag of blow and a mail order bride cost. You're getting out cheap. Also, you can leave the dollar out on the sidewalk, and watch people get shit on their hands afterwards, a true jenkemeister past time.

After you poop in the bottle, put a balloon over the neck of the jar, and let it sit in the sun for a few days, it should look something like this:

After that, it's just a matter of watching your sun pee magically ferment. The Jenkemites go to work, creating a delicious intoxicating gas known as Jenkem. Breathe in and enjoy :)

Gotcha!!

2008-03-12T21:32:00.001-07:00

Following another impressive simulated game on Monday, enigmatic but lovable Mets clubhouse joker Pedro Martinez informed reporters that he was "just kidding" about his arm injury, rotator-cuff surgery, and yearlong stint on the DL, playfully shrugging his shoulders and grinning in a fashion Mets officials are calling "vintage Pedro." "Boy, are our faces red," said Mets GM Omar Minaya, chuckling and shaking his head at the stunt, perhaps Martinez's craziest to date and one which has cost the team an estimated $16 million. "I can't believe we fell for the old 'torn rotator cuff' gag. Oh, Pedro. What will he think of next?" Mets manager Willie Randolph is planning to play a retaliatory prank on Martinez, which involves leaving him in past the sixth inning of a crucial playoff game.

Sorry I Was Late....Got Caught In Some PooNani

2008-03-12T21:20:00.001-07:00

Disgraced New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer said Thursday he is resigning his post, effective Friday, but he vowed to “keep living it up with the whores.”

Spitzer, the former Wall Street corruption buster known for preaching ethical responsibility, has been accused of meeting a high-priced prostitute last month in a Washington, D.C., hotel.

He apologized to his family and the public on Tuesday for failing “to live up to the standard I expected of myself.” But with his political career squarely in the shitter, Spitzer told reporters Thursday that he plans to salvage the part of his life that hasn’t been tarnished by the scandal.

“I challenge any of these young ladies to say ‘Big E’ didn’t live up to their standards in the sack,” Spitzer said.

The Democrat, known as the “Sheriff of Wall Street” during two terms as attorney general, again apologized to his wife, Silda, and three teenage daughters for the embarrassment the situation has brought on them. But he also noted he has “no chance in hell of getting elected sanitation director at this point, so what the fuck?”

A 47-page affidavit supporting the charges against Spitzer — identified as “Client 9,” according to a source — said Temeka Rachelle Lewis talked with him and a prostitute named “Kristen” about a Feb. 13 meeting. (“More like ‘Client 69,’” Spitzer said, making several rapid gestures with his pelvic region.) Lewis and Client 9 spoke about payment of as much as $4,300, which would include credit for future dates.

“Let’s be honest, though,” Spitzer said with a creepy grin. “After one time, these bitches would be paying me.”

One of the bitches who previously had sex with Spitzer said there’s “no way” she would pay him, categorizing him as a “premature ejaculator” who “usually starts crying because he just blew 5 Gs for 30 seconds of awkward, marsupial-like intercourse.”

I'd hit it too, go get em tiger

Private Poop Party

2008-03-12T21:05:00.000-07:00

True Story, that's the best part.

Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years — so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time the man finally called police.

It appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat, said Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple. The woman initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.

"We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," Whipple said. "The hospital removed it."

Whipple said investigators planned to present their report Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against the boyfriend.

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."

Police declined to release the couple's names, but the boyfriend, Kory McFarren, agreed to be interviewed Wednesday by The Associated Press. He identified his girlfriend as Pam Babcock.

McFarren, 36, told investigators he took Babcock food and water and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

"And her reply would be, 'Maybe tomorrow,'" Whipple said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom."

McFarren told the AP that he wasn't to blame, and that it was solely Babcock's choice to remain in the bathroom.

"She is an adult; she made her own decision. It was my fault I should have gotten help for her sooner; I admit that. But after a while, you kind of get used to it," McFarren said.

Although authorities said they think Babcock was in the bathroom for two years, McFarren said he wasn't certain how long she stayed there. He said she had a phobia about leaving the room because of childhood beatings.

"It just kind of happened one day. She went in and had been in there a little while, the next time it was a little longer. Then she got it in her head she was going to stay — like it was a safe place for her," McFarren said.

But McFarren said Babcock moved around in the bathroom during that time, bathed and changed into the clothes he brought her. He said they conversed and had an otherwise normal relationship — except that it all happened in the bathroom.

McFarren, who works at an antique store, said he has been taking care of Babcock for the 16 years they have lived together.

McFarren called police on Feb. 27 to report that "there was something wrong with his girlfriend," Whipple said.

Police found Babcock clothed and sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," and her legs looked as if they had atrophied, Whipple said.

"She said that she didn't need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave," he said.

She was reported in fair condition at a hospital in Wichita, about 150 miles southeast of Ness City. Whipple said she refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators.

McFarren said that his girlfriend has an infection in her legs that has damaged her nerves, and that she has no feeling in her legs. She may wind up in a wheelchair, he said.

Authorities said they did not know whether she was mentally or physically disabled.

The case has been the buzz of Ness City, said James Ellis, a neighbor.

"I don't think anybody can make any sense out of it," he said.

Ellis said he had known the woman since she was a child but that he had not seen her for at least six years.

He said she had a tough childhood after her mother died at a young age and apparently was usually kept inside the house as she grew up. At one time the woman worked for a long-term care facility, he said, but he did not know what kind of work she did there.

"It really doesn't surprise me," Ellis said. "What surprises me is somebody wasn't called in a bit earlier."

Bible v.2.0

2008-03-10T10:24:00.000-07:00

Unlike some of my posts, this one is 100% true, heh. The humor is inherent in the facts of this one, I didn't have to change anything. Apparently God sent an E-Mail to the vatican, updating the bible.

Thou shall not pollute the Earth. Thou shall beware genetic manipulation. Modern times bring with them modern sins. So the Vatican has told the faithful that they should be aware of "new" sins such as causing environmental blight.

The guidance came at the weekend when Archbishop Gianfranco Girotti, the Vatican's number two man in the sometimes murky area of sins and penance, spoke of modern evils.

Asked what he believed were today's "new sins," he told the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano that the greatest danger zone for the modern soul was the largely uncharted world of bioethics.

"(Within bioethics) there are areas where we absolutely must denounce some violations of the fundamental rights of human nature through experiments and genetic manipulation whose outcome is difficult to predict and control," he said.

The Vatican opposes stem cell research that involves destruction of embryos and has warned against the prospect of human cloning.

Girotti, in an interview headlined "New Forms of Social Sin," also listed "ecological" offences as modern evils.

In recent months, Pope Benedict has made several strong appeals for the protection of the environment, saying issues such as climate change had become gravely important for the entire human race.

Under Benedict and his predecessor John Paul, the Vatican has become progressively "green."

It has installed photovoltaic cells on buildings to produce electricity and hosted a scientific conference to discuss the ramifications of global warming and climate change, widely blamed on human use of fossil fuels.

Girotti, who is number two in the Vatican "Apostolic Penitentiary," which deals with matter of conscience, also listed drug trafficking and social and economic injustices as modern sins.

But Girotti also bemoaned that fewer and fewer Catholics go to confession at all.

He pointed to a study by Milan's Catholic University that showed that up to 60 percent of Catholic faithful in Italy stopped going to confession.

In the sacrament of Penance, Catholics confess their sins to a priest who absolves them in God's name.

But the same study by the Catholic University showed that 30 percent of Italian Catholics believed that there was no need for a priest to be God's intermediary and 20 percent felt uncomfortable talking about their sins to another person.

How Cool Are Boobs?....Really.

2008-03-09T23:04:00.000-07:00

I love em, I really just can't say that enough. I guess when it really comes down to it, you are either a boob guy, or an ass guy, then there are the rare vagina guys. Lastly the toe and ankle guys, but they are fags anyway, so who cares.

If you are young, or under the age of 18, you may want to not watch this, or shut the door and grab a tissue. Either way, this is art people, cream colored booby art. :D

Madden 09 Release Notes

2008-03-09T21:05:00.000-07:00

The release of the new Madden videogame has become an event in its own right. Here is a list of everything players can get excited about in '09, not counting roster changes:

Stupid HB Option play that would never work in real life but somehow works every goddamn time your friend Jacob does it

"Regular Life Mode," where you play in real time as a regular person living a fairly ordinary existence who occasionally gets to watch a football game

Improved cover jinx will force the player to wander the Earth for all time, unable to rest, in an eternal search for a single honest man

"Raise An Athlete Mode," where you act as a parent and must love and nurture your child's talent for 20 years; fatal injuries can be switched off

1,028 new fumble animations, one of which can be seen on every third play

Changed all the damn button controls around yet again so you have to relearn everything for the fourth time in five years

"Union President Mode" lets player withhold pensions from ex-players

When sacked for a loss of more than seven yards while playing the Wii version, television falls on you

New "Bust Mode" allows you to wash out after three disappointing seasons, start a new life as a car salesman or high school coach, and be interviewed about it by Jeremy Schaap

At some point in every Bears game, Jim Belushi shows up for an interview

"Actually Have Fun While Playing Mode," where all of the bullshit features created in the past five years are switched off so you can actually have fun while playing

Stevie Ray Vaughn, R.I.P

2008-03-09T20:52:00.000-07:00

Had to do it, hadn't seen this in a long time. Stumbled upon it in YT. Probably the best thing to ever come out of Texas. Tragically lost. :(

Cooper, More Like Gold!

2008-03-09T20:46:00.000-07:00

Gas and oil stock trader Cooper Manning, older brother of Peyton and Eli Manning, turned in an MVP-level performance for his employer, energy research firm Howard Weil, Labouisse and Friedrichs, Inc., Tuesday. "With time running out in the fourth quarter, I knew the only way we were going to come out on top was to pass on drill rig operator Nabors Industries, call a last-second audible, and put our faith in blue-chipper USA Superior Energy Holdings," an excited, champagne-drenched Manning told reporters on the trading floor after the final seconds ticked away and the closing bell officially sounded. "But I can't take all the credit. Without Howard [Weil's] clutch third-quarter decision to invest in the Bristow Group, we wouldn't even be standing here right now." Manning added that, though this is the type of day a professional oil and gas trader dreams of, he has no plans to rest on his laurels and will be back at work tomorrow in hopes of a repeat.

You're Cut Off

2008-03-09T20:37:00.000-07:00

Joe Prawn, a bartender at the Bucket Shop Cafe, said he was growing increasingly worried about his growing tolerance for alcoholics. "A little used to go a long way, you know? I could last all night on one long, drawn-out tale of self pity, with maybe a brawl between two patrons as a nightcap," said Prawn, who has been taking in at least four alcoholics a night since getting his license in 1996. "But lately, it's been taking nine, 10, sometimes 15 of them to make me feel anything at all." Alcoholism tolerance has long been recognized as a problem in the hospitality industry, and experts warn it can lead to bartenders developing unhealthy tolerances for smokers, drug users, and sex addicts.

2008-03-06T09:48:00.000-08:00

Pistons forward Rasheed Wallace awoke from the greatest dream Monday morning, in which he was in an NBA game, and he took off his headband and started using it as a slingshot, and everyone kept passing him the ball, but the balls were smaller than usual, or maybe his headband was bigger, and he kept slinging the balls into the hoop from a hundred feet away and he scored a million billion points, Wallace reported Monday. "I remember I was playing against the Celtics—except Paul Pierce, like, became Allen Iverson somehow, and my father was on their team for some reason—and my headband stretched across the whole court, and when I shot the balls from it, they all automatically went in, and then the floor started glowing," Wallace explained to reporters. "Also, I figured out this thing called the backwards dunk, where you dunk through the bottom of the rim, and the refs give you a thousand points for figuring out the secret. Oh, and the court was my house." Wallace said he cannot wait to try using his headband as a slingshot in a real game.

Zoo Sleeping Spree

2008-03-06T09:30:00.000-08:00

Twelve San Diego Zoo visitors and two employees were brutally sedated Monday, when laid-off zoologist Dr. Brian Vermeer, 41, returned to his former place of work armed with a tranquilizer gun and began firing into a crowd. "It was kind of horrible," said Maria Christopher, 44, who witnessed the tranquilizing spree. "People were gently falling asleep over the course of 20 to 30 seconds everywhere." The spree ended when Vermeer turned his gun on himself, knocking himself out for half an hour

So What?

2008-03-06T02:21:00.000-08:00

Well, you crossed the line, that's for sure. I've been insulted before, but until today, I'd never been attacked with such appalling accuracy. I cannot believe you had the gall to unleash that torrent of utterly valid criticisms. Vicious, founded attacks like yours cut deeper than any knife.

I've had some low-down snakes spit their venom at me before, but they were usually such overdone and unwarranted insults that no one could take them seriously. But you, sir! How dare you look me in the eye and see through me to the deeply flawed person I actually am, let alone sling your poisoned barbs with such precision?

So I tell lies. Okay, you got me. But is that any reason to call me "a dirty liar"? If that's what you think of me–and you should–at least have the decency not to rub my face in the awful truth of it all. Just call me a liar, then storm out and slam the door. For the love of God, don't point out two contradictory statements I made and then ask me, in front of everybody, to somehow reconcile them. That kind of smear tactic gives me no chance to avoid being justly branded a liar. I really thought you were above that.

But the capper on the jug, the slight I shall never forget to my dying day, was when you called me immature, painting me as "an emotional infant incapable of interacting with others in a deep or meaningful way." Again, drawing on what you have actually observed rather than ad hominemattacks, you used my patterns of behavior to draw a cohesive portrait of a needy, self-centered man forever wallowing in his own tiny universe of grudges and misplaced blame. You have destroyed–and impressed–me with your masterful insight into my psyche.

I mean, my God. Anyone can insult a person, but you tore me apart with an informed, well-reasoned line of argument! You sliced me to helpless ribbons, the English language your scalpel! Could I really have angered you that greatly? I'm just glad my friends and girlfriend weren't here to see my considerable faults laid bare.

How could you, sir? Why would you want to do such a thing? I know why. I bet it's because you fuck donkeys or something, you big donkey-fucker.

OH SHIT!

2008-03-05T19:33:00.000-08:00

Boy, it feels like I just went to bed. I must've hibernated on my back all weird or something. What a dream, though, wow. I wonder what time it is. Guess I'll get some coffee on—wait a minute. Holy shit! Is that calendar right?

Oh no! Oh, Christ, this can't be happening. This can't be—fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck. Get up! Get up, Phil, you moron! You need to get your groundhog ass moving right now! Where's my top hat? Where's my—

Oh Jesus, I am so late.

Everyone is gonna kill me. How could I do this? Man, fuck. Okay, okay, what to do. Come on, Phil, think. Maybe if I run down to the mayor's office right now, he can make a couple of phone calls, get the crowds and the tourists and the lady from the Channel 8 News to come back and—aw, who am I kidding? That'll never work!

This is not good, Phil. Not good at all. Tell me you didn't do this, Phil. Not this. This is the one thing you seriously should not have done. I was up half of January worried sick I was gonna oversleep. I finally tried reading for a little while to make myself drowsy, and the next thing you know, I wake up covered in drool and Groundhog Day is over? How could I be so stupid?

No. No, no, no, no, no! What, I can predict the future of the seasons based on whether or not the sun is shining one morning in February, but I can't figure out how to work a goddamn alarm clock?

This was the easiest job I ever had. One day a year—one day—where all I have to do is look in the direction of my shadow, and I fuck it up. Way to go, Phil, way to go! Another one of your classic moves. Five measly minutes of work and I could've gone back to bed until April, but no. No, that would've been too easy for Mister Fucking Punxsatawney National Icon With His Own Holiday Phil.

The elders of the Punxsatawney Circle are going to be so freaking pissed. They're nice and everything but they take this tourism stuff crazy seriously, and they'll never stand for this bullshit. I'll never be able to show my face around Gobbler's Knob again.

Damn! I'm such an idiot! Idiot, idiot, idiot!

Phil? Phil, you need to think of something quick. So relax. Uh, just try and breathe. Okay, what are you supposed to do? Inhale and exhale. In, out. You know what? I just need to calmly make a list of the things I need to do. Then I will do each of the things on the list. As I do each item I will cross it out. Yes. Now I'm getting somewhere. Let's see, what should I put on there first? Um, gee, well, I guess the first thing I should write down is that I'm screwed beyond belief here!

Wait a second. Maybe it's not too late after all. They can't do the ceremony without me, right? I'm the star. They probably had to postpone the whole thing. It's not like I have an understudy or anything. Yeah, we'll just do it a little late. I'll even look around for my shadow extra hard. Whatever they want. I could predict the start of fishing season. I could predict tax time. Hell, I'll scrunch up my cheeks, wiggle my nose, show off my cute little buckteeth, and predict whatever they want me to.

I still need a good excuse. I'll just pretend I got hurt. Yeah. My leg was trapped in a tree root. I couldn't pull it out so I had to, uh, gnaw it off. Yeah. Shit. That's really going to work when you show up with four legs, you fucking moron.

Okay, I'll just say I was there but it was so crowded they couldn't see me. I was running around trying to get their attention but I couldn't because I'm only a foot and a half tall. They'd buy that! Yeah, yes. Beautiful. Just need to comb my fur and I'm ready to go. Of course I don't know what happened during the ceremony so I wouldn't be able to prove jack shit.

Shit fuck shit. Shit!

Stupid elders! Why couldn't they knock harder? They know I'm a heavy sleeper.

Oh, God. This is it. My life is over. I'm finished.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm just a huge waste of fur. I had such a sweet-ass gig and I fucked it up. Every time they drive me to a photo op and I look out the window and see some dead rodent on the side of the road, I think, "If it wasn't for this job, that could've been me: dead in a ditch." This job was the one thing I had going for me. What am I going to do? Survive in the wild? Fat chance. I'd be eaten in 15 minutes flat.

There's no way out of this. I've just got to call them up, face the music, and see what they say. Now where is my goddamn phone, goddamn it?

Jesus Christ. I'm a groundhog. I don't even have a phone.

iCrime?

2008-03-05T14:46:00.000-08:00

I know what you're thinking, and trust me, I'm right there with you. Nevertheless, The Urban Institute, a Washington-based think tank, has reportedly come to the conclusion that the reason US violent crime rose in 2005 and 2006 after declining every year since 1991 is because more iPods were on the streets. You heard right -- these researchers are suggesting that the "iCrime wave" occurred primarily due to the popularity of Apple's darling and the relatively high value of possessing one. Granted, the iPod has been the focal point of quite a few muggings in the past, but blaming a fruit-flavored PMP for a nation's sudden urge to take up larceny? Pfft

Cause Now I'm Riving On Brues Power

2008-03-05T11:41:00.000-08:00

So I found a video of a bunch of asian guys performing blues power, i thought it was funny. One of my favorite songs being butchered by "My People"

Chingon

2008-03-04T23:27:00.000-08:00

Pravda buchava, alekameakaneana, sorry for the language. Right over his head, incredible.

Spygay?

2008-03-04T23:18:00.000-08:00

The hundreds of hours of game and practice scouting videotapes that league officials seized from the New England Patriots also include over 100 hours of painstakingly thorough footage of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady in the shower, sources within the NFL competition committee confirmed Tuesday.

"We are still investigating whether the assembled shower footage of Brady soaped up and wreathed in steam—which I can personally confirm was in fact taken in the showers of several different NFL-affiliated facilities around the league, and appears to have been shot by head coach Belichick himself—constitutes a violation of league laws or policies," league spokesman Greg Aiello told reporters during a press conference held at the league's Manhattan offices. "It is the opinion of the commissioner and the league that further extensive study is required before any judgment can be rendered in this matter."

"Our investigation continues to focus on any instances of cheating by the New England Patriots, and will continue to focus on cheating no matter how much Brady showering footage we find," Aiello added.

Aiello then displayed a 25-minute composite videotape consisting of representative segments and "highlights" of Brady in the shower.

Analysts agree that the bulk of the shower footage, while certainly unusual in many aspects, seems to have been shot with Brady's full knowledge and cooperation, although Brady does not appear especially enthusiastic. Early footage is also said to include showering quarterback Drew Bledsoe, then the Patriots starting quarterback, and at least 25 minutes of the earliest-known material was evidently shot in the showers at the University of Michigan as Brady was being scouted for the draft.

"Belichick has always been a big believer in spending as much time as possible on film study," said Boston Globe football writer Bill Ryan, who as a regular Patriots reporter was given the opportunity to view outtakes from several of the Brady shower tapes, notably those labeled "Super Bowl XXXVI," "Camp 2002/Skeleton Drills," and "Tuck Rule" before being thoroughly questioned by league officials. "But I didn't know he'd shot so much of it himself. His intensity about it can be kind of frightening."

"To hear Belichick narrating the whole thing, pointing out his quarterback's tendencies, identifying Brady's strong points and the areas where he needs work, hearing his voice as a counterpoint to the sound of the hot running water and seeing that familiar sweatshirt-clad arm cut through the mist to hand Brady his towels—you realize the man has a unique football mind," said Sports Illustrated football correspondent Paul Zimmerman. "If nothing else, the attention to every significant detail definitely makes an impression on the viewer."

Although officials have not divulged whether other Patriots players or even quarterbacks from other teams were featured in their own showering videotapes, Aiello confirmed that the investigation was by no means complete and the total inventory may take weeks to assemble.

"We confiscated thousands of these tapes from the Patriots coaching staff," Aiello told reporters, "and hundreds more tapes showing nothing but opposing teams sending in offensive and defensive signals. It may be some time before we have a complete catalog of what's on them. I can confirm, however, that we will be questioning Mr. Brady at length about his experiences regarding showering and video cameras, and communicating daily with Coach Belichick and team owner Robert Kraft concerning any and all videotaped footage of NFL players, specifically Tom Brady, in the shower. You have my word on that."

Neither Belichick nor Brady would comment on the investigation. The New England Patriots organization did not respond to requests for information, but released a statement Wednesday morning confirming that the league had compensated the team and coach for $750,000 in exchange for the videotapes in question

Wanna Party?

2008-03-03T10:41:00.000-08:00

Former MLB star and admitted steroid user Jose Canseco extended an informal invitation Monday to over 500 current and former professional baseball players, requesting their presence at his house this coming weekend for his annual steroid party.

"Hey guys, big steroid bash at my place," Canseco said while handing out flyers at a Toronto Blue Jays spring training intrasquad game. "Nothing too fancy, just a bunch of guys, hanging out, taking steroids. Tell your friends."

The party is historically an extravagant affair, usually featuring women in bikinis carrying silver trays of various types of anabolic steroids, four VIP suites upstairs where guests can sample steroids from Canseco's personal collection, a giant 40-foot-tall ice syringe filled with Dianabol, oil paintings of steroids on the walls, a keg of steroids, a disco ball, and a punch bowl spiked with steroids.

"Let me break it down for you: food, babes, steroids," said Canseco, leaning over the outfield fence of Dunedin Stadium, to Blue Jays centerfielder Vernon Wells. "Any steroid you want. Winstrol-Stanozolol, Deca-Durabolin, Sustanon, Anadrol, you name it. I even got some exotic steroids from South America, and I might bust out my own special homemade steroid blend. Oh, and if everyone chips in $5, I might get a steroid fountain. It's gonna be sweet."

"Imagine taking steroids all night long, how cool that would be," said Canseco, trying to get the attention of right-fielder Alex Rios. "Then multiply that by 100. That's how much this party's going to rule.

Sorry

2008-03-03T10:34:00.000-08:00

Well, I have intrnet now, but that doesn't change the fact that Comcast is Shitastic. So, to all 3 of my loyal readers...err friends sorry for not posting in like 2 years.

True Story

2008-02-22T21:58:00.000-08:00

I actually spoke in person to someone who drank off that Keg 2 years ago.....That is how I cam about this story, it is true, this is what happens when you drink 2 year old beer kept in a dark basement, warm, breeding tarantula babies.

This Guy PUKES SOOOO MUCH!!! Holy shit, vacuous stomach award goes to you my friend.

TOP 5 Movie Quotes

2008-02-20T17:21:00.001-08:00

#2.5

Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay!!!!!

2008-02-20T17:15:00.001-08:00

Top 5 Movie Quotes

2008-02-19T20:50:00.001-08:00

Top 5 Movie Quotes

2008-02-19T20:38:00.000-08:00

I wasn't sure if i was gonna include this, the violence makes it worthwhile, however the quote wasn't so good

Top 5 Movie Quotes

2008-02-19T20:34:00.001-08:00

President Bush Touched By An Uncle

2008-02-19T17:05:00.000-08:00

In a tearful address to the American people Monday, President Bush announced that he would be taking an indefinite leave of office to recover from his recent molestation at the hands of his visiting uncle Carl.

"My fellow Americans," the president said during the nationally televised speech, "two weeks ago, my uncle Carl came to visit me and take a tour of the White House. And at one point during that tour, while we were alone in the Lincoln Bedroom, Uncle Carl did something to me that he said should be our little secret."

Bush said Uncle Carl "touched me in ways I knew were wrong," and that Carl instructed him "not to tell anyone, especially not Laura or the Secret Service," saying that it was a special thing between presidents and their uncles, something no one would understand."

The Secret Service has been working closely with Bush, using a special anatomically correct doll to determine exactly what transpired between him and Uncle Carl.

"At this point, it very much appears that there was fondling of the presidential genitalia," Secret Service agent Frank Simms said. "We are still having difficulty getting Mr. Bush to talk about certain details, which often happens when a member of the executive branch is molested by an uncle. The breach of trust is very difficult for any president to confront."

White House doctors have not yet released results of tests for anal trauma or semen in Bush's rectum.

Uncle Carl, who was arrested by FBI agents at his Falls Church, VA, home early Tuesday morning, has refused to speak to the press. He did, however, issue a statement through legal counsel saying, in part, that "this is just the kind of attention-getting lie I thought Georgie had outgrown."

"An accusatory stance is a typical response for the sexual predator," said Attorney General Mukasey, who urged the nation to stand by Bush in this "extremely difficult" time. "We must be very gentle with the president for as long as it takes him to come to terms with this. He's got to know it isn't his fault."

In the wake of the revelation, numerous White House staffers have expressed responsibility for the incident.

"I failed him," said Secretary of State Rice, who greeted Uncle Carl upon his arrival at the White House on Aug. 22. "I never should have left George alone with that man, no matter how big a boy he said he was."

"I just hope George doesn't hate me," said White House Chief of Staff Bolton. "I don't know why he didn't come and tell me about it in the first place. This is exactly the kind of thing I'm supposed to protect him from."

In a closed-door meeting Tuesday, a group of top-level Bush advisors told the president that he should never be afraid to tell a person to stop doing something he doesn't like, no matter who that person is. The advisors also told Bush that he should always run and tell a Cabinet member if someone is touching, threatening or scaring him.

ACLU To Defend Neo Nazi's

2008-02-19T01:48:00.000-08:00

The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that the organization will go to court to defend the Neo Nazi's right to burn down their headquarters. Said ACLU activist Sheryll Crane:

"If we take away these Nazi rights to burn down our headquarters, we take away everyones rights to burn down our headquarters."

Making the case more controversial is the Nazi's demands that all the ACLU employees be in the building at the time of the blaze

Country Mouse Raped By City Mouse

2008-02-19T01:43:00.000-08:00

A country ouse accused a city mouse today of luring him away from his simple life with promises of wealth and excitement, and instead repeatedly drugging and raping him. The city mouse had denied the charges saying the sex was a bit freaky, however totally consensual. City mouse lawyer Leonard McChitter had this to say:

"Squeak, squeak, squeak, cheese, cheese squeak"

Police declined to file charges however as the only evidence, a tiny ball gag had rolled under a table.

Love It

2008-02-18T12:20:00.000-08:00

This movie is great, it's called Ghost Dog, you should watch it.

After I posted the clip I realized they left out the best part. After dude gets murked, his homies find him and say,

"Hey go outside and get Sammy The Snake!"

That's funny because they were makin fun of nicknames earlier in the scene, ha, funny. I know the humor is lost in the text, whatever.

Last Fry Told Off

2008-02-18T12:10:00.001-08:00

Bucket Shop Cafe patron Glen Levvers, upon noticing that one french fry on his plate had eluded his field of vision, demanded that the fried potato strip,

"get [its] ass over here." "Whoa, where do you think you're going, buddy? I see you hiding behind that pickle," said Trabers, who called the fry a "smart little fella" before picking it up and dunking it in ketchup. "Thought you could get away, eh? Well, time to say hello to Mr. Tummy." Trabers then popped the fry into his mouth, made a satisfied "gulp" noise, and went home and blew his brains out.

Death By iPhone

2008-02-17T11:11:00.001-08:00

I have an iPhone. If I wanted to, I could be blogging this very post (or is it posting to this very blog?) with my iPhone, which means that the phrase "Sent from my iPhone" could be attached to bottom of my post, as it is with every e-mail I send from it. And those four words pack a lot of punch. More than once I've received this terse reply to an e-mail "sent from my iPhone": "I hate you."

I realize we iPhone users aren't a terribly sympathetic crowd. Neither was the guy who got the first wheel on his cave-block. There's always a trial period -- a few months, years, decades, millennia -- during which society irons out the kinks of any revolutionary tool. The goal is to minimize the invention's downsides while maximizing its upsides. And it's the technology's early users -- us brave guinea pigs -- who end up suffering for the greater good.

I know everyone says that Apple's latest invention is wonderful, revolutionary and life-changing. And for the most part, everyone's right. My iPhone entertains me when I'm bored. It organizes me when I'm scatterbrained. It loves me when I'm sad and lonely. It might as well cook me eggs and bacon the morning after.

But I know that all these wonderful upsides come at a steep price. For example: I am fairly certain that my iPhone will be the end of me. Achilles, the name I've given my device, will ultimately bring me down.

Let me explain:

When I first got my iPhone, I felt like the kid who walks in on the first day of second grade with the baddest trapper keeper. I knew I had the goods, and I expected the oohs and aahs to start as soon as I walked down the street with the device held to my ear.

But the oohs and aahs never came. In fact, there were only sneers. It's not that people don't think the iPhone is awesome. They know it is, but they also know that they don't have one. The desire can drive even the most even-tempered man insane. iPhone envy stokes our most atavistic urges: You have. I want.

So it's only a matter of time before someone snaps. A co-worker maybe, or a neighbor. They'll see me checking my e-mail as I cross the street, or hear my smooth jams as I'm running on the treadmill. They'll approach me from behind. They'll crouch. And in a few seconds, it will all be over.

But don't worry about me. I probably won't even realize what is happening. I'll be too busy checking my e-mail.

Profunctity

2008-02-15T23:40:00.000-08:00

Christ Kills Two, Injures Seven

2008-02-15T23:11:00.000-08:00

Jesus Christ, son of God and noted pro-life activist, killed two and critically wounded seven others when He opened fire in the waiting room of a Huntsville abortion clinic Tuesday

Security guards at the Women's Medical Clinic of Huntsville were able to disarm the Messiah before He could reload His weapon, a secondhand Glock 9mm pistol that authorities said He purchased legally at a Jackson, MS, sporting-goods store. "Abortion is a sin," said Christ as He was led away in handcuffs. "It is an abomination in the eyes of Me." Witnesses said the attack, which took the lives of Dr. Nelson Woodring, 51, and clinic nurse Danielle Costa, 29, came from "out of nowhere."

"He walked up to the admissions desk and asked if He could see Dr. Woodring," receptionist Iris Reid said. "The next thing I knew, He was shouting Biblical verses and opening fire on everything moving."

"It was horrible," said injured clinic nurse Jessica Combs, recovering at a local hospital with bullet wounds to the leg and abdomen. "He put his hands over Dr. Woodring's head and told him He forgave him for his sins, and then He shot him right in the face." Huntsville police officials are not certain how the Messiah was able to bypass clinic guards and proceed undetected past security cameras and into the clinic waiting room, where He produced the gun from its hiding place in the folds of His robe. Federal investigators are similarly baffled, saying that the heavily armed Christ had moved in "mysterious ways."

Speaking to reporters from His holding cell, Christ, 33, said He had "no regrets" about what He had done.

God Promises Big Suprise

2008-02-15T23:00:00.000-08:00

Apparently God has some big plans for everybody. A source close to God, who wishes to remain anonymous said:

"I can't be too specific about the details, mainly because the "Big Man" was pretty vague himself, all I know is something big is coming, I'm not sure when or where, but believe it's big."

God sent out a press release today fortelling upcoming hurricane season and the suprises within.

"As God enters His landmark 23,450,750th hurricane season, He finds Himself dealing with a larger and more diversified audience," the statement read in part. "With that in mind, He's promised that something new is 'in the wind' this year. Expect God to take the hurricane to places it's never been, bringing it to whole new audiences, making inroads further into the tornado-minded Gulf Coast states, and still delivering the goods to the hip, urban, coastal crowd that's traditionally so crazy about them."

New Legislature "Raymond's Law" Hits Marijuana Offenders

2008-02-14T20:26:00.000-08:00

New Legislature is being brought before the House and Senate that would compel Offenders of the Marijuana Act to inform their neighbors if they are holding. Senator Treadwell D. Col. had this to say:

"This Law signifies a change in awareness for the nation, we really feel like we are taking a proactive approach in the effort to solve the problem. Never before has it been so easy to find a bag of pot in your locality."

Although the legislature ensures easy procurement of marijuana, it does not regulate the quality or price. On this Treadwell says:

This law arose from a case in CA, where James Newell of Pasadena was angered to find out the man living just one floor above him was dealing a Schedule one drug, Marijuana. Newell was unavailable for comment but his law said this:

"Here was James, sitting in the dark the whole time, and now we know that the perpatrator could have invited him up at any time to smoke, it's sad really."

"Millions of Americans love to be high," Treadwell said. "Unfortunately, their neighbors often keep them in the dark about what kind of shit is going around."

Treadwell and other proponents of the Law argued that the bill would result in increased domestic trade in consumer snack products and a heightened sense of community and well-being.

More powerful, perhaps, were the personal testimonials of hundreds of drug-drought victims, who stood before lawmakers to share their experiences with dope deprivation.

"As a parent, I don't have a lot of time to dedicate to finding weed," Minneapolis resident Kyle Berman said. "All my wife and I wanted to be able to do was get Tina and Tyler to bed, put on a movie, and smoke a joint. It wasn't until the police busted the guy across the street for growing marijuana that we realized how close we'd come to actually finding some pot. A whole set-up with lamps and everything was less than 50 feet from our living room. It sickens me to think about it."

Bin Laden Claims Responsibility For Crocodile Hunter's Death

2008-02-14T19:50:00.000-08:00

Millions worldwide were stunned by the death of Steve Irwin, TV's Crocodile Hunter, and were further shocked by the recent release of a videotaped message from Osama Bin Laden himself, in which the al-Qaeda leader takes responsibility for the Australian wildlife enthusiasts death.

"We have no compassion for those who exploit Allah's creation for their own gain and glory, and we will continue to strike with righteous barbs into the oppressors' hearts," bin Laden said. The videotape was released to the Australian Animal Planet channel on Sept. 9, five days after Irwin's death. "Praise be to Allah, who permitted the wronged to retaliate against the oppressor in kind!"

While Irwin's family has not commented on the statement, Australian Prime Minister John Howard denounced the act shortly after Irwin's funeral.

"Our nation has lost a wonderful man and a colorful native son," Howard told a grieving crowd of thousands in Sydney. "I urge President Bush to resume the hunt for this deranged madman bin Laden."

To prevent possible additional terrorist attacks on other daytime cable TV personalities, heavy security details have been placed around the Food Network's Paula Deen, the American Chopper guys, and what not to wear's Stacy London.

Pakistani Government Institutes Minimum 3 Day Waiting Period On Suicide Vests.

2008-02-14T19:23:00.000-08:00

The Pakistani Parliament took a leap of faith today as it sets into action a law which mandates a minimum 72 hour waiting period before anybody, man or woman, can buy a suicide vest. Pakistani Lawmaker Aruzzi Sharriff held a press conference in the back of a Jeep today;

"We recently became aware that some, not all, of these suicide vest devices were falling into the wrong hands, and after years of careful deliberation, we decided to put restrictions on them."

This ruling immediately came under scrutiny from local arms dealers. Rami Kuza, a local arms dealer in Pakistan was obviously upset.

"I'm just trying to make a decent living, I mean, I have a truly industrious service to offer, and now the government is trying to regulate how I run my small business."

As restrictions on suicide vests become more strict the purchasers are finding new creative ways to get around the problem. Children in Pakistan don't usually develop criminal records till their 6th birthday, and have, coincidentally been the top purchasers of suicide vests, at least in the under 12 age group.

Scientists Link Valentines Day to Satan

2008-02-14T13:03:00.000-08:00

The Free World Press Issued the findings of a study conducted at Oxford Univeristy which show a clear link between Valentines Day and Satan. Scientists at both UCLA, and Oxford recently unearthed stone tablets etched with the marking "Valentinus Satanus" or in layman's terms Valentines of Satan.

They traced the history of Valentines day all the way to Satan's door. It began a long time ago when St. Valentine first bought a box of the finest chocolate bon bon's and a Lexus for Mrs. Valentine. He was a meager man, and it was thought that he made a deal with Satan to obtain these belongings. Innocent connection? The facts are hard to ignore.

Elisha Broheim of UCLA had this to add:

"At first I thought, this is crazy, a complete waste of taxpayer money. But I was wrong, I think we have laid concrete and irrefutable links between the King of the Dark Underworld, and Valentines Day. "

" I Never Take On Any Job I Can't Handle "

2008-02-14T12:35:00.000-08:00

Ahhh, good old John McCain. Where do I begin, the only candidate to be glorified with medals from the Vietnam war, WWII, WWI, and the Crimean War.

When asked about his stance on the war his idea was clear:

"The United States should no longer act as the world's police but instead as the world's stripper, dressed as the police."

Serious questions arose after Senator McCain's embalming wraps came undone, leading to his double jowl extension surgury. When asked where he would be if not running Senator McCaint curtly replied, "Dead."

Local Girl Pouts...Reasons Unknown

2008-02-14T10:29:00.000-08:00

A "Scene Chick" was spotted pouting outside a hipster spot in Atlanta late Thursday evening. When asked why no reponse was given.

"She was fine a few minutes ago," claimed a near by nearby Emo, "then all of a sudden, she just got mad, she was obviously upset about something."

A voicemail was left at the residence of her believed boyfriend, no response has been issued.

Some eye witnesses believe it was due to an incident which occurred a few hours earlier at the bar. When asked the bar tender replied frankly, "B itch had a few too many, happens all the time."

Debbie Clemens Forced To Explain 0.0.0 ERA

2008-02-14T10:20:00.000-08:00

A week after facing accusations of injecting human-growth hormone in 2003, Roger Clemens' wife Debbie has come under increased scrutiny from baseball fans and media figures who claim the revelation calls her lifetime major league 0.00 ERA into question. "Zero hits, zero walks, zero runs allowed," said local fan Dave Winthrop upon hearing about the charges, which he called "disheartening to say the least." "I guess when you think about it, based on what we know now, it makes sense. How could someone—a 39-year-old mother of four, no less—put up these kind of career numbers without the aid of illegal substances? Sad." Clemens has defended herself by saying that those extremely low numbers are simply the result of her never having pitched in the major leagues, excepting only her perfect game against the Baltimore Orioles in August of 2003

Once Excited Shaq Now Weary Of Suns Organization.

2008-02-14T10:02:00.000-08:00

Claiming he was initially excited at the prospect of playing for a legitimate championship contender, new Phoenix Suns center Shaquille O'Neal admitted Wednesday that, upon reading about the phenomenon of massive stellar explosions popularly known as supernovas, he is now terrified of the entire organization.

"I have emerged from my astronomical studies a much more educated man, a learned man, and yes—a frightened man. I am now a sage of the supernova,"

While Shaq said simply being a part of the Suns' runaway-nuclear-fusion-reaction style of play would be frightening enough, he added that learning how an agining supergiant star typically ends its life cycle in a violent explosion was a profound, terrifying experience.

"If I would have known being a Sun meant being a part of a system where gravity could collapse, causing my radiant celestial body to explode in an event 10 times brighter than an ordinary Phoenix Sun—or worse, dematerialize into a neutron star or possibly a black hole—I would have never agreed to the trade."

"I have a family to think of," continued a visually distraught Shaq, during a Press Conference/Powerpoint presentation in Phoenix. He went on to state that, because super novas occur in our galaxy once every 40 to 50 years, the Suns, having joined the league in 1968, are "due for a big one"

Is Tornado Violence In The Media To Blame For Oklahoma Devastation?

2008-02-14T08:35:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time, but life still hasn't returned to normal for the residents of this central Oklahoma town. It probably never will. Del City and it's surrounding area were shattered by a shocking act of violence that took 42 lives, not to mention this peaceful farming community's collective innocence.

"This sort of thing isn't supposed to happen here," said Del City resident Bud Swearingen, gazing at the mound of rubble and debris that what was once his home. "Maybe in Bangladesh or some other far-off place, but not here in America's heartland."

Like so many of those caught in their rampaging path, the killer tornado's have died, fading away n the Oklahoma Planes. But the question still remains, how could this happen? Why didn't anyone see it coming? What woud drive an air mass to commit such a horrible act of violence?

For many the blame lies with the media

"Every day in this country, we are bombarded with images of powerful, destructive wind vortices," said Roland Gilchrist, director of the Princeton University Center For Media Studies. "Movies like Twister, TV shows like Fox's World's Scariest Tornadoes, networks like The Weather Channel—all of these only serve to glorify tornado violence and send the message that such destructive behavior is acceptable and even rewarded. We shouldn't be surprised, then, when real-life weather fronts start imitating what they see on TV."

Gilchrist called the similarity between the Oklahoma attack and those depicted in Twister"chilling."

"There's a scene in Twister in which a pick-up truck flips over, and then a farmhouse explodes," he said. "The exact same thing happened in Del City. That can't be mere coincidence."

According to Gilchrist, TV news programs only exacerbate the problem, reinforcing tornado behavior by giving them the attention they crave.

"Whenever a tornado threatens to strike, it's the lead story on the news," Gilchrist said. "That only fosters that kind of violent behavior and increases the odds of it recurring. Meanwhile, you never see any positive, uplifting weather stories on television. When was the last time a show was interrupted to report a beautiful, sunny day? When was the last time a 'cool-breeze warning' icon was placed in the corner of the screen? Never."

Euro's Now Accepted

2008-02-14T01:17:00.001-08:00

Walking down the street in New York City, you will see a lot of signs; ATM, PIZZA, NO RESTROOM, WILL WORK FOR FOOD, etc. But now there is another sign in the dizzying array of printed madness, "Euros Welcome." No, I'm not talking about the wind pant wearing, fanny pack toting bunch, I'm referring to their currency. Apparently everybody has gotten so sick of the dollar they are out sourcing it to other countries over seas.

My stance on this is clear, I am pro alternative currency, hopefully stores will go back to trading goods for wampum, or pelts. Bottom line, i have a lot of pelts that I need to get rid of.

So What I Married An Axe Murderer?

2008-02-14T00:54:00.001-08:00

He is quite possibly the manliest candidate out there, the only candidate named in the Mitchell Report, Mr. Hillary R. Clinton. Let's face it, he has the most experience, considering he ran the White House from 97-99. When asked what the most exciting change she would see if elected, she responded;

"Well First off, I'd be the President."

C'mon Hillary, we all know you just need to get back into the White House to get some stuff that you left, ball gag, used needles, stuff like that.

"I am the only candidate who can claim experience on the issue of health care: an experience of glaring, humiliating failure dating back more than a decade."

Do We Really Want Another Black President After Deep Impact?

2008-02-13T22:59:00.000-08:00

I am not prejudiced. Far from it. What I am—or, I should say, who I am—is a man who loves his country so deeply that he is unwilling to stand idly by while our nation allows itself to be completely annihilated by another incoming comet.

Have we learned nothing from the tragic events of 1998, when, under the watch of President Morgan Freeman, this nation was plunged into chaos, and hundreds of millions of people died at the hands of the deadly Wolf-Beiderman space rock? The mere fact that this country is even considering putting another black man, Barack Obama, in the Oval Office proves that we have not.

We can't deny the facts, people. All we will get by electing an African-American is Texas-size space particles crashing into the Earth's surface, mega-tsunamis that barrel into the Appalachian Mountains, and 6.6 billion dead people.

I'm not suggesting that President Freeman was directly responsible for the creation of the Wolf-Beiderman comet or its Earth-bound path. That would be ridiculous. What I am saying is that under the watch of a black man that comet destroyed the entire Eastern seaboard. So, if history is any indicator, a vote for Barack Obama in 2008 is essentially a vote for the complete and total obliteration of the human race.

Don't we owe it to our children, and our children's children, to use this upcoming election to guarantee the Earth's existence rather than dooming it for eternity?

To even risk putting Mr. Obama in a position where he would insist, as past black presidents have, that our nuclear arsenal is powerful enough to divert the incoming comet would be foolish, to say the least. Any decision like that would only break the fast-approaching space rock into two very powerful asteroids, both of which would end up heading straight for Earth, leaving all of us who aren't on the small list of people picked to live in the government-sponsored protective caves to burn, drown, or die while in the arms of our estranged fathers. The only difference is, this time around, the late astronaut Robert Duvall will not be alive to save millions of lives by conducting a suicide space mission to destroy the larger of the two asteroids before it enters the Earth's atmosphere.

In my book, any possible repeat of this extinction-level event is reason enough not to elect another African-American president. Consider that later that same summer, just two months after the first deep impact, this very country once again faced Armageddon in the form of another comet hurtling toward Earth. In this instance, under the watch of a white president who sort of looked like an older Dennis Quaid, that catastrophe was avoided entirely.

As if that is not enough, history shows us that, besides carrying the baggage of a guaranteed asteroid strike, black heads of state also give terrorists extra motivation to destroy the United States. During the presidency of 24's David Palmer, there were no fewer than four nuclear bombs smuggled into this country. That's four more than under any white president. Though we should have known better than to elect President Palmer in the first place (he was elected three years after President Freeman left office), the U.S. populace made him the commander in chief because it was swayed by then-Senator Palmer's commitment to change, his no-nonsense approach, and his ability to inspire. Sound familiar?†

Asteroids and nuclear bombs—that's what this nation can expect from an Obama White House.

Need I even mention that former President Chris Rock and his administration's slogan was "The only thing white is the house"? Though this attitude broke down the stuffiness typically associated with proper White House decorum, President Rock's laissez-faire approach not only made a mockery of the office at home, but made the United States look like a joke abroad.

I concede that the United States has had a competent African-American president in the huge black guy from the The Fifth Element, who did great things for this country by keeping the evil Mr. Zorg at bay. But that is years from now. There is no denying that by 2236, when we have flying taxicabs, this country will be ready for a black president. But until then, if we want life in this great land to continue as we know it, we owe it to ourselves to make the right choice and reelect Kevin Kline.

Presidential Candidate Bows Out, Runs Ad Bashing Self.

2008-02-13T22:13:00.000-08:00

Mitt "Slush Bag" Romney bowed out of the presidential race, citing irreconcilable differences with the Ghost of Lincoln. Romney known best for his smear tactics turned the pistol on himself after an unsuccessful shoot out with the other candidates.

The Ad is relentless including over 30 seconds of character bashing.

"Would you want this man running your country. The same man who cannot operate an automobile or microwave?"

Obviously the Glare of the Political spotlight was too much to bare and Mitt reverted back to a life of cotton robes, junk food, and irish whiskey.

GIANTS WIN..ELI OFFICIALLY A MAN

2008-02-13T21:44:00.000-08:00

Eli Manning did it, he won the super bowl. David beat Goliath, Annika Sorenstam won the US Open (Mens), Corey Lynch blocked a punt, Eli beat Brady. Some spectators claimed to have seen a dark bushy mustache forming under Eli Manning's nose. I can't be certain, but I know one thing: Eli Manning became a man that day, and Archie became the luckiest Dad on earth.

patriots Would Rather Be Cloudy Diamonds Than Average Pebbles.

2008-02-13T21:18:00.000-08:00

The most Eloquent of poets, dare I say the most consummate of dilettantes, could not have penned a better ending to a more nauseating saga. The Patriots are 18-1, and they are ok with that.

"Well, we had a great season. We went 18-1, I don't think anyone else can say they did that.

If you think about it, we had a better season. They may have won the Super...thing, but we

had a better record, and numbers don't lie."

They may have lost the Super Bowl, but their point is clear, they would rather be Big Time than Right Time. Think about it, from the top to the bottom, from the Diabolically classless coach, the Spy Cams, the Cologne Ad QB, they were poised to disgust a nation, instead they gave it all a good laugh.